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UMass Transfer Students Excited to Never be Poisoned by Evil Gluten Again

As the new semester kicks off, the Commonwealth’s flagship campus welcomes over 500 transfer students! While the school looks to provide a welcoming environment for these students, the adjustment to a campus with this many gluten free options can be a bit overwhelming for those who have been destroying their bodies with gluten for years.

Because of this, it’s important that the administration takes a strong stance on gluten so as to prevent further harm to these wayward students who will  call the university their new home.

Often times, we get freshmen and transfers in here who haven’t even heard of gluten, or how it can shorten your lifespan by forty-two years, or that it’s put in bread and pasta by the devil,” said UMass executive culinary director Michael Beasley, “these students just don’t know how dangerous it can be.”

One transfer student said that upon her first visit to Franklin Dining Commons, she was incredibly overwhelmed. She noted that she hadn’t known that gluten was poison until being properly educated by the Frank kitchen staff.

I was really thankful that everyone from classmates, to dining hall workers, to the landscapers outside in the garden, were able to educate me on the horrors of this silent killer.”

She was also incredibly grateful for the opportunity to never have to eat real meat again, as the vegan substitute “chick’n” definitely tasted like its real counterpart. She noted that she had been tricked into eating it at first, as most students are, because she thought it was just an abbreviation for chicken, but was able to enjoy it due to the power of the vegan agenda.

Though all of the dining commons on campus boast extensive gluten-free offerings, Frank offers the largest selection. Featuring a gluten-free bar, where chefs cook fresh options on-demand, Frank leads the fight against the toxic gluten and look to save as many students as possible before it is too late.

UMass Amherst currently boasts Princeton Review’s number one-ranked dining program, which is proudly displayed in multiple books opened to the “UMass” page in the lobby of Hampshire Dining Commons. Director Beasley mentioned this page could even find itself immortalized through a sculpture.

Though likely aided by bribery and administrative propaganda, the ranking represents the University’s commitment to culinary excellence and rejection of gluten. And the transfer students seem to be loving it.

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