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UMass Cyclists Creating Hostile Campus Environment for Pedestrians

University officials released a statement yesterday regarding the unsettling uptick in high-speed cyclists zipping around campus. The officials warned students to be vigilant and to report any instances of assault-and-battery, manslaughter, or even just harassment by means of bicycle.

“They’re like the fucking turtle shells in Mario Kart,” said Brenna Ryan, a sophomore who has to walk from the ILC to Bartlett every Tuesday and Thursday. “They sneak up behind you and just lay you out on the pavement, they once knocked my iced coffee right out of my hand…it’s honestly a shit show.”

Last year, several students took notice of the incredibly hostile sidewalk environment that they had to endure. Despite organized protests, petitions, and an overall disgust for these careless creatures, students have not yet eradicated bicycles from campus. UMPD could not disclose specifically how many people per day are victims of attacks such as these, but when asked, Chief Tyrone Parham said the number was “more than the number of cars we pull over on University Drive every day.”

“I’m just trying to get to class on time, and these plebeians always get in the way,” said one cyclist who requested anonymity. “If I have to mow down a couple sorority girls to avoid being late to my poli sci discussion, then you bet your ass it’s going down.”

Another cyclist commented that he actually goes out of his way to swerve in front of people even when he doesn’t have to.

“I just think everyone should ride bikes, and I want to promote awareness,” he said, also choosing to remain anonymous. “Bikes are the future. I’m like a prophet…actually, I literally am Jesus Christ, the son of God.”

While cyclists see no harm in their actions, the loss of life on campus is dreadfully present for others.

“I lost my service dog in a hit and run just last week,” said Marcos Campbell, a junior. “I didn’t even get the chance to cremate him, because the same perpetrator came back around, picked up the dog, and biked away with it,” he added.

University Health Services will be offering training sessions on what to do if you or a friend loses consciousness or perhaps a limb because of a bicycle attack. UMPD will also be stepping up surveillance in an effort to stop bicycle crime. In the meantime, the university has advised that any student who does not need to walk around campus should avoid walking anywhere at all.

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