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UMPD Opens Investigation Into ‘Dealing With’ Campus Geese

Over the weekend, the University of Massachusetts Police Department began interviewing witnesses and collecting forensic evidence following the gruesome executions of Canadian geese on campus.

“At this point in time, we believe that the perpetrator acted alone and out of pure spite for these noisy waterfowl,” said UMPD Chief Tyrone Parham. “Unfortunately, we have not identified a suspect yet.”

The first report of a goose victim came earlier this month. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was consumption of a poisoned quesadilla from Baby Berk. Since then, dozens of goose deaths have been reported to the authorities.

The hunt for the geese slayer may be close to its end, however, after one student spewed incriminating anti-geese speech across social media yesterday.

“Just merked another goose lmaooo” read a tweet from user @mass_hole. Other tweets from the student included clear anti-geese sentiments, including tweets like “If I had the choice between winning the lottery and punching every goose in the face, I’d be broke with bloody fists” and “If aliens ever come to America I hope they just take the geese and leave.”

Canadian geese from around New England often gather on Campus Pond in the hundreds as they migrate southward for the winter. While it is illegal to massacre them, people at UMass unanimously agree that the world would be better off without them.

“Although I agree that Canadian geese are basically huge flying rats that deserve to be exterminated, I don’t think that one person should be spearheading the operation,” said sophomore Hannah Linso. “Like, if we’re gonna do this, let’s do it together.”

University officials strongly discouraged students from following the lead of the serial goose slayer, but they admitted that they were open to the idea of taming the geese and using them as a source of energy.

“We shouldn’t just murder these creatures,” read a press release from the Office of News and Media Relations. “Geese have natural energy that we can harness and use in our buildings simply by tying their feet to turbines and letting them fly around in sheer panic. Some universities in the country are already doing similar things with squirrels, skunks and pigeons.”

Either way, it appears that UMass is no longer a safe place for geese to rest their wings. Geese are advised to “chill” at Hampshire College, where they may be greeted with THC-infused breadcrumbs and offered single dorm rooms in residence halls.

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