A report published last week by the UMPD has confirmed what’s been suspected for a few years now, that UMass students are indeed drinking on the weekends.
UMPD Chief Tyrone Parham issued a press release this past Monday to announce the news, looking sickly and pale as he delivered the message. “We would all like, dearly, to believe that this is not so, yet we can ignore the evidence no longer. Students at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, from freshmen to seniors, do drink alcohol on the weekends.”
Parham continued, “We know that they mostly drink Rubinoff brand vodka, but we do not know yet for certain if these students are aware that alcohol ruins everyone’s lives indefinitely, and that drinking it does not make you cool.”
Outraged parents are already flooding UMass Admissions with calls expressing their concern and distaste with the university.
“It’s starting to get really crazy,” said sophomore work study student Leigh Smith, “people are furious for the school’s grievous oversight.”
Chancellor Subbaswamy himself delivered an impromptu speech to the entire student body in the Mullins Center to address the undergraduates and their “degradation of the school’s stellar reputation,” and “debasing our university’s image with vomit and urine.”
Furthermore all RSOs are to be replaced with Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and every student will be a tattoo’d with the phrase “I do not drink alcohol,” so that way if they do they will be liars, and they can be made fun of.
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