UMass’ student body is continuing to grow, with a freshmen class this year that is seven percent larger than last year’s class. With such a substantial increase in students living on campus, administration has ingeniously installed additional beds on residence hall rooftops.
Available in singles or doubles, and coming in at a cost of $4,000 per person, the rooms are reportedly top-of-the-line. Administration says that they have spared no expense to give new students the college dorm room they deserve.
Chancellor Kumble “Slice of Heaven” Subbaswamy says that he is very proud of the work the school has done to put these rooftop bedrooms in place. “We want our students to feel at home on these rooftops. This isn’t just your run-of-the-mill roof-nap.”
When asked whether he felt concerned about the lack of shelter available on a rooftop, Subby-boy, with a mouth full of sandwich, offered a mumbled “Yeah, I dunno.”
Some new students have expressed complaints about this living arrangement, stating that due to consistent rain throughout the semester, many have been unable to experience sensations such as consistent warmth and “simply being dry.”
Despite the solution’s obvious shortfalls, many of the parents of this year’s freshmen class have come forward to offer their unwavering support for these outdoor bedrooms. “It builds character!” says one parent. “How the fuck is my kid supposed to know how to be an adult if he doesn’t catch a little fucking hypothermia once in a while? Fuckin’ go Pats!”
Many students are reportedly unable to get down from the roofs, as all points of egress have been sealed for the purpose of insulation.
For now, it appears that these bedrooms are here to stay. When winter comes along, Administration suggests rooftop students simply “bring more blankets and shit, you’ll be fine.”
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