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Yelp! Wasn’t Ready for Amherst’s Beloved Antonio’s Pizza

Before you go to a new restaurant, you probably go to Yelp to check out what other people are saying about it. You probably also notice a lot of the reviews are from whiny assholes who just love to complain. When these people get too big for their britches, sometimes you need to clap back by reviewing their review. Our first target is none other than every Minuteman’s favorite drunken eatery, Antonio’s. Located in downtown Amherst, there is no better place to go when you’re hungry at 1 a.m. on a Friday night and are craving some cheesy pizza goodness. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an uncultured swine. Here are our thoughts:

Brian from Boca Raton is an Asshole:

How generous of Brian to give out an extra 1.5 stars to this “escape” from the poor UMass kids’ institutional meal plan. Does he know our meal plan is rated #1 in the country every goddamn year? The only perp walk going down at Antonio’s should be his, the toppings he ordered are the most pre-crime thing ever written on Yelp. Eggplant and artichoke? Is Brian ordering pizza or starting his own farmer’s market? Also, if we’re getting a lecture on world-class, why are we getting it from someone from Boca Raton?

Excuse us, M. That is not a real name:

No wonder the woman working the counter was grim when she had someone order two vegetarian slices at Antonio’s. The only time someone should order a second vegetarian slice at all is if the first slice was something like buffalo bacon ranch diabetes and you know your mother would judge you. Even M wasn’t thrilled with this pizza order, given the fact that they were willing to eat the slice from the counter lady. While we can admit were not national pizza experts, the only thing that could be better in Arizona than Massachusetts is senior living centers.

Think of the polar bears, John:

Funny story, but we guess John hates our planet. This good samaritan working the counter was just trying to save the ozone layer from dolts like John. In a bad attempt to mock the toppings here, all John has really done is make us both incredibly hungry and worried about the polar bears.

Sounds like you have a frat style attitude, Jason:
What a take from Jason. Has this guy ever seen pizza before? Don’t tell me, did the carbs with cheese and random toppings also come with some kind of crust concoction at the edge and did it have a tomato-based sauce all over it? Know what you’re talking about for me once Jason, and spell your town’s name right at the very least.

What’s up with Jasons in this town?:Hard not to agree with Jason on this one. How can you possibly expect to deal with all these adolescent attitudes when you live in one of the most prominent college towns in America?

Looks like Sam had some time on his hands:

This is an A+ review all around. It rambles on longer than a Matthew McConaughey monologue, and touches all the key areas when you’re reviewing a pizza place: Diversity, ranting, raving, and a Mr. T reference. If Sam didn’t write this review while under the influence of some “late night munchies” then consider this a disappointment.

As you can see from these reviews, there is no logical reason to not love Antonio’s. No one can deny it’s a great place to go when you’re escaping your #1 in America meal plan.

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