The guy who pooped under Washington Stairway last week has begun sending cryptic messages to UMass administration. Those who oversee the UMass campus have responded with due diligence and are working to make sense of these messages.
“The first message was just a glossy .jpeg of what our millennial correspondent informed us was the ‘poop’ emoji,” said sexiest man alive, Chancellor Subbaswamy. “Our programmers were able to decode a message which appeared inside of the emoji, which simply read ‘poop will never die.’”
Soon after, administration began receiving pictures of other Southwest buildings which had had images of feces Photoshopped over them. Incidentally, an image of Pierpont was received to which the suspect had made no alterations whatsoever.
“From these images, we know that he is planning to strike locally first,” Good Boy Subbs reported. “The problem is, there are so many people taking inadvertent shits in Southwest hallways that it will be hard to trace any new dumps to our suspected perp.”
Administration has decided to release one of the messages sent by this dirty man. After decoding it, experts have translated the following:
I am the one who poops. My next target will be somewhere in the center of campus. By center, I mean the entire campus. Or, do I? How big will my next poop be? Who is to say? Why have I been eating so much steak lately? Is it to produce the world’s most potent dump? I guess we’ll find out. Poop will never die. Never. I love poop.
Administration fears that once he is done with his reign of terror in Southwest, the suspect may move on to taking shits in other residential areas, and maybe even UMass dining halls. This would of course pose a great threat to UMass’ chances of earning another #1 dining rating from The Princeton Review.
More developments to come. For now, if you are anywhere on campus, watch where you step!