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5 Belk Tower Replacements

 

As we approach the holidays, the impending demolition of the Belk Tower hangs on our shoulders. Could we have done more to save it? Will anything ever be the same? We really don’t know anymore. The best we can do to move on is to look forward to the future. We heard they’re taking input from students for what the new ~Belk Plaza~ will look like, so we’ve come up with a few suggestions we think worthy of replacing the Belk Tower.

 

5.) A fountain filled with the real tears of every student:
Because Belk Tower was the free speech zone, it could now be a fountain where you come to talk and cry out your college woes. We think it’d make a great tradition.

 

4.) That beer can tower Drunk Mike made at that party last week:
This masterpiece crafted by junior Mike Burly, known by his hallway as Drunk Mike, represents the hardships of our fellow UNCC students and reaches as tall as from the girl’s 10th floor lobby to the boy’s 11th floor balcony of Moore Hall. As bystanders gaped at this towering monument of aluminum and sadness, it showed promise as a potential candidate for Belk Tower’s replacement.

 

Just please walk carefully around it. Drunk Frank almost knocked it over once and we can’t risk that because it just took so long to make. SERIOUSLY BACK OFF, FRANK. NOBODY WANTS A HUG. Actually, maybe we can just keep a fence around the tower construction site, it’s safer that way.

 

3.) Cook Out:
No explanation needed.

 

2.) A statue dedicated to Preacher Gary:
Oh, Gary. This poor, misunderstood servant of God was just trying to warn us about hell and Belk Tower was his standing ground. His home. His stage. Who will tell us that we’re going to burn for an eternity because we touched a butt once? Who?! Where will he go to scream at wandering freshman about how their shorts are too short and how that girl over there has a pixie cut so she must be a lesbian? Endless hours of entertainment­ lost.

 

Thankfully, this statue dedicated to the warm soul of Preacher Gary is the perfect replacement for Belk Tower after its removal. The statue will show Gary in his typical pose — bible in one hand and the other hand pointed at some poor guy who’s probably just going to Bio class or something. Gary’s face will be frozen in a scream, veins popped out from his neck and eyes bulged out. When Gary comes back to look for Belk Tower, he will be greeted with his own monument and maybe, just maybe, that will make his day just a little brighter. Love ya, Gary!

 

1.) A stack of transfer papers to literally* any other school:
Everyone is sick of the construction and wants out. With the removal of the Belk Tower being the straw that broke the camel’s back, UNCC students will be looking for the nearest exit. Luckily, we’ll have a helpful and convenient stack of transfer documents in replacement of Belk Tower to help you go to the other school of your dreams that will hopefully have better wifi, little to no construction, and anything BUT the food from Crown. Please stop by the quad and pick up yours today!

 

*Note: ECU transfer papers not available.

 

If none of these carefully crafted ideas work, we suppose that our campus made up of tons of architects and engineers could, oh, we don’t know, build something structurally stable and sustainable. We’ll always remember you, Belk Tower. 

 

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