We’ve all been there — the paper is due Thursday, the test is tomorrow, but you’re too busy procrastinating to get anything done. You’ve accepted that you are going to fail all of your classes, drop out of school and work at Taco Hell for the rest of your life. So now what? Well, the next step is to get drunk. Completely shitfaced. Get so smashed that you wake up in the secret CHHS tunnel married to one of the geese. And here at The Black Sheep we’ve come up with a few drinking games to do just that.
5.) The Craver Road:
Go sit outside the Student Union with a water bottle full of vodka. Take a sip any time you hear the phrase “Craver Road walk sign is on.” If you see one of the student’s muttering the phrase under their breath offer them some of your party juice. If they take some, chug the entire bottle. If homework and studying has sucked their soul so dry that the sweet release of regrettable alcoholic decisions no longer holds any hope for them then chug the entire bottle anyways. Do it. We dare you.
4.) The Netflix and Moodle Chill:
Start by sitting alone in your dorm. Grab a bottle of wine, you don’t need a glass— what are you, a fully functioning adult?— and snuggle up in the ugly UNCC basketball blanket your grandmother got you last year. Now it’s race to the finish line. If you finish your wine before Netflix asks if you’re still watching you win. Your prize is three shots of that shitty bourbon you bought for the Dance Marathon you forgot to volunteer for last week. If you lose you have to do thirty minutes of algebra homework before you can go back to drinking alone. Given Moodle’s recent response times that should end up being about three questions, so there’s nothing to fear, really.
3.) The School Spirit:
Take Forty Nine shots of tequila. Get alcohol poisoning. Die. Congratulations, you no longer have any federal student loan debt AND no one cares that you didn’t do that final paper worth 40% of your grade. Win-Win. *
2.) The Fretwell:
Go to Fretwell and take one shot for every person standing in line at Pete’s Café during prime class change times. Sit in one of those comfy armchairs and take a shot anytime someone orders more than 2 shots of espresso. Take a double shot when you see someone becoming visibly frustrated at the noise level when they’re trying to study. Become so drunk that you mistakenly ask the seventy year old Political Science professor to marry you, then reject them in a drunken rage when they say yes. Give a dramatic speech about the importance of education to a discarded coffee cup and then end the night by crying publicly at your lack of motivation and study skills.
1.) The Laundry:
Go to your local laundry room and sit with a six pack and some Fireball. Enjoy another beer any time someone dumps another person’s laundry on top of their machine. Take a shot any time someone arrives before their laundry is done. Pray to almighty Norm you don’t get hungover for mixing liquor and beer. Since you’re going to get hungover anyways, go here for a few infallible hangover cures.
You can always kick it up a notch and really kill your liver by taking a shot any time you think about all the studying you should be doing instead of drinking your way to an early grave. Now remember, drink responsibly, don’t drive drunk, and geese divorce lawyers are incredibly expensive so at least make sure they’re worth the money before you put the ring on their beak. Now stop procrastinating your procrastination drinking binge!
*The Black Sheep does not condone death as a viable option to escape student debt or overdue papers.