Graduation is not far off, you’re almost there, and your diploma is in sight. You spent four(ish) to six(ish) years for this one new line on your résumé. But first, you have to figure out what the fuck to put on your graduation cap. Priorities!
Bedazzle that shit:
Make it sparkle with the light of a thousand suns. Make the sequins and rhinestones rain down upon the cap with the force of a million hot glue guns. Do it two layers thick if you want to. Blind half the audience with your bedazzled beauty. We believe in you and your bedazzling power.
It’s the nightmare from UNCC that will never end. Go on and put those stairs on your cap. 3-D stairs. Don’t let anyone see the stage for graduation. Who cares if they can take this next…. step in their life?
This is your last chance. After you throw your grad cap in the air you are a “REAL ADULT.” So go for it. Draw a giant dick. Make it a bouquet of dicks. Make it a collage of smaller dicks forming one larger dick. This is your last good excuse to be super immature — and you might actually get away with it.
Be pretentious and do a feathered cap. Use real goose feathers to make it look expensive and show everyone that you are better than them. Use one of the geese from campus to make sure they are premium UNCC goose feathers. For school pride purposes, of course.*
*The Black Sheep does not condone the killing of geese for the purposes of feathered graduation caps. We would also like to explain, for liability purposes, that being incredibly pleased that there is one less mother****ing goose on campus is not the same as condoning the killing of geese for the purposes of feathered graduation caps.
Write homoerotic literotica on the top of your cap. That way, when the audience is being bored to death with boring speeches about human potential and “the cherished memories of our time here” they have some decent entertainment. It’s a public service, really.
On that thought, an erotic drawing of Norm:
Would this be the true Naughty Norms? We can only hope so.
An out of place quote no one will get but you and your bestie:
This could be an Archive of Our Own tag, an obscure line from a movie no one gives a shit about, a quote from this article, or any other weird string of words that will make an old person wag their finger and go “kids these days!” We like “sometimes drugs are realllllly bad.” And “yes, but this one is hunting us.”
A vintage meme. A new meme. That one of Matthew Gray Gubler in the turtleneck with the cards. Any meme really. Print it out. Glue it on the cap. Maybe add some glitter glue. Or sequins. Much graduate. Very diploma. Wow.
So hot glue will only go so far for the adhesive here. It won’t work with anything heavier than a few ounces and it doesn’t really like the synthetic material of the graduation cap anyway. Get the multi-medium heavy duty jewelry glue. It’s a little more expensive, but walking in to graduation with a bright red dildo on your head is worth it, right?
He’s made a huge impact on your time at UNCC, so you might as well drain more money into his image on your graduation cap. Make him stare right back at himself. Anarchy!
Leave that shit blank:
Be lazy. Watch the Netflix. You already spent a sixth of your life on all this college bullshit. Just walk a few steps, shake some dude’s hand, grab your diploma, and go marathon some Bob’s Burgers before you have to go start looking for an entry level job you’re going to inevitably hate. Let the emptiness of your graduation cap symbolize the emptiness of your soul.
And congratulations graduates!!