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A Niner’s Guide to the State of North Carolina


Have you ever wondered why your gut feeling tells you that North Carolina should be colored brown on a map? Well, that’s because the place is actual crap. We were only able to break down a few counties depression free, but hold onto your guns and confederate flags if you don’t see your county listed.


Gaston County:

Commonly referred to as “the armpit of North Carolina,” Gaston county prides itself on having so many goddamn churches you can’t go half a mile without spotting another one. Once a mill town, this roach infested county is now a nice vacation spot for sinners wanting to attended seminars on the hell they will be banished to unless they cease doing anything fun.


Cleveland County:

It’s literally just a bunch of barns and open fields. Drive through it at night with creepy music playing if you want to experience some horror movie type shit.


Mecklenburg County:

This county houses the 17th biggest city in the US, enjoys construction in its spare time, and is a two-faced bitch. Sometimes it’s all art galleries, museums, suburban soccer moms named Betty, farmers markets, and universities. But just across the light rail tracks there is a seedy underbelly of gangs, human trafficking, and NASCAR. The most progressive city in North Carolina, is also the most dangerous.


Catawba County:

Best known for its annual convention of backwards hillbillies and bad coleslaw, Catawba County is the perfect place for any misogynistic redneck to call home. The local fish camps all have sanitation ratings below 90, though most trailer parks have excellent ratings. This county is so redneck that the name even has a built in drawl (ca-TAW-ba), which is perfect for their population that lacks teeth.


Rutherford County:

This county is severely lacking in certain resources, primarily intelligence. No, not like spies and the CIA, so much as several people here are either so stupid or so racist that they think Taco Bell is real Mexican food. Many Rutherford patrons are still running Windows ’98 and haven’t watched The Big Bang Theory because Jesus told them not to.


Union County:

Located on the edge of Mecklenburg County, Union County is basically the khaki pants of North Carolina: beige, unflattering, boring, and often associated with white people and minimum wage jobs.


Randolph County:

The white, generic brand, polo shirt to Union county, Randolph county is located a little farther north of the Piedmont and is just as boring. If this county had a flavor, it would taste like the stale saltine crackers and flat ginger ale you eat when you’re too sick to actually taste anything.


Davie County:

Damn it, we’re going to have to take back the extremities we said about Catawba County. Imagine all those horrible things, now multiply them x10. This is your glimpse into the shithole that is Davie County. When your largest town is Mocksville, and you’re home to what’s probably the world’s saddest, rundown small town, Cooleemee, you don’t have too much going for you. Sorry, Davie baby.


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