A recent investigation into complaints of stolen clothing from laundry units in UNCC residence halls has finally uncovered the prime suspect of these thefts. Eyewitnesses say they saw Norm the Niner being escorted from Scott Hall in handcuffs and led to the squad car by campus police. It didn’t take long before residents realized that our beloved mascot was behind this string of panty raids.
For as long as the UNC Charlotte community can remember, we have always gotten to our washers just a little too late before an overly eager freshman throws our soaking wet clothes on top of the unit as he shoves his long overdue dirty sheets and stash of “Class of 2015” shirts into the machine.
But, this isn’t always the case when we see our laundry being opened on LaundryView. Sometimes, it’s something much more sinister. Junior Tyler Wells says he noticed some suspicious activity in the Maple Hall laundry room a few weeks ago while doing laundry for the first time all semester.
“I think this was around October 4th or 5th and I decided that it was finally time to wash my clothes because, honestly, I can only spray so much Febreeze on my jeans before people start noticing,” Wells muttered. “Anyways, I was down in the laundry room and heard some loud rustling outside, and didn’t think anything of it. When I came back to switch my clothes to the dryer, I noticed that my washer door was open and I quickly turned around and saw a flash of green zipping out the door. I checked my washer and my ‘Shake that Axe’ shirt was gone!”
Many students were shocked to discover Norm’s second life as the laundry bandit. Angela Cannon, a sophomore theatre major at UNCC and one of the alleged victims, was reached for comment. “Honestly, I’m completely appalled at this unforgivable act of thievery. I had many pieces of undergarments in my laundry unit and it causes me much distress that our Norm might have access to my unmentionables!”
When asked if anything of hers was stolen, she gave no direct comment and mumbled something about how her dryer might have been cracked open.
“I saw this coming. Look at him! He’s so creepy with his massive head and dead eyes. No emotion. No sympathy. The only thing I was surprised about was that he was only stealing clothes and not kidnapping children or torturing mascots from other schools,” second year senior Nathan Garcia said, not shocked about this latest reveal of naughty endeavors. “Norm shows no mercy. If stealing my boxers is the worst thing he’ll do, I say that we’re damn lucky. I know he’s capable of so much more…”
The athletic department was quick to blame their losing streak on Norm’s alternative activities. One 49er football player, Jerry Buck, had this to yell, er, say about the situation:
“Norm is our biggest fan! He’s distracting himself from the game and that makes us not very motivated to win. If that giant miner isn’t out there on the sidelines and cheering for us with 100% of his attention, then I’m not gonna score a touchdown. No way. Stop thinking about the panties, Norm! Think about the game! IT’S THIRD DOWN!!!”
Many students questioned where Norm stashed his collection. After hours of interrogation from campus police, Norm scribbled on a piece of paper ‘4th floor Atkins.’
When local authorities explored this forbidden floor of the Atkins library, they made a disturbing discovery. Hundreds of UNCC shirts scattered the floors. Bras, boxers and briefs hung from the light fixtures. A fort made of skirts and old pillowcases was also found. Many officials had to leave the scene due to its frightening nature.
Norm has been recently released on a $4900 bond and will be sentenced to 490 hours of community service and mandatory sessions to the counseling center for his case of kleptomania.
With the heartbreak felt all over campus, it was unanimously decided to retire the old mascot for a more presentable, NORMal one. Suggestions for a new mascot are currently open for submission.
Norm was unavailable for comment at this time.