Have you ever wondered what the absolute worst, most shitty, most horrible, thing is on campus? In our own spirit of March Madness, we have 16 competitors. Or, uh, losers. LET’S GO NINER NATION!
(1) Crown Pizza vs (16) Bikes:
The great bike migration this school is facing is a force to be reckoned with, but they are no match for the Olympic sized swimming pool of grease that comes complimentary with each slice of Crown pizza. Pizza takes the round.
(8) Smokers vs (9) Construction:
Is this even a question? Although our recreational substance population is starting to look like UNC Asheville’s, our construction could make a priest murder. Point to construction.
(4) Fretwell vs (13) Pete’s Coffee:
Would you rather shove another department into one tiny building, or have overpriced, burnt coffee? It’s a close call. On the one hand, another department in Fretwell could open up some more interesting but useless majors. On the other, nobody gives a flying f*ck about what useless degree they end up with if they are still half asleep, half hungover. Pete’s burnt ass coffee wins this round.
(5) Stairs vs (12) Parking:
Parking is expensive and annoying, but stairs throws us a curveball. Although the constant up and down exertion from Satan’s favorite inclined plane may make you sweat bullets, stairs can give you a great ass. The question remains: is a great ass really worth smelling like a middle school locker room? Stairs moves on to round two.
(2) Geese vs (15) RIP Belk Tower:
Can we all just get over ourselves for like twelve seconds? It was a f*cking monument. Its loss was not that tragic. You know what’s tragic? Having your roommate eaten by the devil geese that plagues this campus. RIP our fallen friends. May the geese apocalypse end (or, nesting season) and your deaths not be in vain.
(7) WiFi vs (10) Graffiti:
The graffiti at this school is so lame it looks like it was done by a fourth grade Sunday school. But we wouldn’t have to go outside and see it if the WiFi would get its shit together. You know it’s bad when you resort to “enjoying the majesty of nature.” What are we, a bunch of dirty hippies? Point to WiFi.
(3) Creepy Art vs (14) Peeeoople:
UNCC’s students aren’t the best of the best — between constant Greek life zombies, nobody talking to each other, and making campus feel like an over-glorified community college (p.s. STOP GOING HOME EVERY WEEKEND), there’s a lot left to be desired. But overall, although we hate people, creepy, humanoid art is way, way worse. Fact.
(6) Chick-Fil-A line vs (11) Union Music:
In the union, your eardrums will be shattered. In the Chick-Fil-A line your feet will rot and fall off. Both are painful. However, the union can be avoided, but to stay away from the life giving, soul affirming magic of waffle fries is a pain worse than death. It only makes the horror of the Chick-Fil-A line worse. CFA line takes the round.
The competition heats up in round two. Probably because we’re getting closer to hell.
(1) Crown Pizza vs (9) Construction:
Although the disembowelment that comes from Crown pizza’s cutting sword is a worthy foe, there is something worse. The traffic construction creates could bring even the toughest warriors to their knees. We are all powerless as we sit behind the wheel, crying, “All I wanted was some CookOut!” as we pass yet another blocked road, trapped in a construction covered hell.
(13) Pete’s Coffee vs (5) Stairs:
We could almost handle the up and down yo-yo that is every walk on campus if we were properly caffeinated. But no, Pete’s BACK AT IT AGAIN with burning the most sacred of substances. This is unacceptable. Point to Pete’s coffee.
(2) Geese vs (7) WiFi:
The logic is simple. WiFi doesn’t matter if you’ve been murdered by the razor sharp beaks of these angry, avian demons. Geese move on to the semifinals.
(3) Creepy Art vs (6) Chick-Fil-A line:
Yes, some of the art pieces on campus are reminiscent of serial killers. But the terror of the Chick-Fil-A line, with a warm, delicious lunch so close, but just out of reach, can and will make even the most level headed business major contemplate the unthinkable. The Chick-Fil-A line has bested us yet again.
The semi-finals: where we learn what the top two, shittiest of the shittiest, things are on campus.
(1) Construction vs (13) Pete’s Coffee:
This is a tough one. Burnt, nasty ass coffee is one of the greatest crimes a café can commit. However, the noise that wakes us up, the traffic that makes us late, and the terrible eyesore of construction is, fractionally, worse. Construction moves on to the finals by a hair.
(2) Geese vs (6) Chick-Fil-A line:
Two strong competitors for shittiest thing on campus. But the Chick-Fil-A line is, on rare, glorious moments, mercifully short. The geese never give up. Never surrender. The apocalypse is coming and it. Is. Feathered.
It has been a tough tournament and there have been some great competitors, but there can only be one, ultimately shitty thing for our campus. And the winner is…
(2) Geese vs (1) Construction:
The Geese. Construction fought hard, but the harrowing blight it is on our campus is nothing compared to our own personal Ebola. The geese infestation has ruined our good reputation. They are angry, evil, shitting machines. Not only are many of the geese loyal members of the Nazi party but we are all going to have to leave for class at least ten minutes earlier this spring in order to avoid whatever inconvenient places they build their nests this year. And no one would be surprised if the FBI finds out that the geese are a gang vicious, avian serial killers. Beware the geese apocalypse.
So there it is. The shittiest thing on campus is the thing that literally shits all over campus. *Hands the geese Hitler a trophy*