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UNCC Human Garbage Already Lost New Student ID

Literal piece of shit sophomore Emily Gardener was reported last Friday to have already lost her new student ID. Issued for free less than two months ago, Gardener, a waste of human space, reportedly misplaced the ID essential for her student life at UNC Charlotte. 

“It’s just like me to do something like this,” said Gardener, shrugging.

Un-phased by yet another blatant act of her own mortal disposal, Gardener attempted to use her old ID instead. 

“A fucking idiot,” her only friend and roommate, Sarah King commented. 

The university, in its effort to make the switch entirely to chip IDs, disabled old student IDs to the dismay of many. Without the new IDs, students cannot print, use the library, enter the gyms, or access meal plan funds. 

Upon entering the ID office, Gardener was shocked to find that although the university provided the new IDs for free initially, if lost, the replacement fee was $15. 

Betrayed and broken inside by the capitalistic ventures of UNC Charlotte yet again, and somewhat determined, Gardener made a valiant effort to never lose her ID by punching hole into it. Now, wearing a lanyard like a stupid fucking freshman, Gardener allegedly tried her luck again at Crown Commons. 

But even after gaining the attention of the disinterested student worker, and trying to tap the card reader not once, but twice, and then attempted to be swiped in like a total asshat, Gardener was informed by the attendant that punching a hole into the new IDs damaged the functionality of the chip.

“I really don’t understand– the ID office LET me use their hole puncher,” said Gardener, visibly distressed like the weak-minded plebeian the ID office had seen her to be. “Why would they do that if they knew it would damage the chip?”

In her pathetic return to the ID office, she was immediately informed that damaging the chip by punching a hole is at the fault of the student, and therefore must be replaced by the student at a $15 fee. 

“Cash or credit?” asked the ID worker, growing hard under the distressed stare of another indebted college student. 

Gardener, certainly not the only fuck up at UNC Charlotte, joined hundreds of other useless students in their protest against the new IDs. 

“Asking for swipes really means nothing now,” one student said. “Am I supposed to ask people to tap me into to SoVi? Do they want me to ever eat again?”

“What if I just forget my meal plan or ever entering my dorm again so I don’t have to give UNCC another penny?” Senior Daniel Denton lamented. “Damn it, I hate this school.”

The ID office released in an official statement to the university students: “Lulz, go fuck yourselves.”

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