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The Unwritten Rules of The Common Market

The Common Market’s Meatless-Monday, a.k.a.: “a day in the life of a vegetarian,” is one of the hallmarks that coax UNC Charlotte’s more eclectic characters (creatures) out of hiding. If you’ve yet to adventure to the treasure in Plaza Midwood, here’s a list of unwritten rules that are sure to help you befriend a few regulars.

1.) What to Bring:
Parliament cigarettes and a dog. If you don’t smoke, grow up, find an edgy dog that does, and buy the little guy some Parliaments. If the little guy doesn’t like Parliaments, tough shit. Beggars can’t be choosers and you’re a Niner on a budget.

2.) Who to Bring:
Piper, your flakey friend who does hot yoga and drops acid at festivals, is the unreliable pillar that will support your “Market crew”. Without her, your (slightly) less flakey friend Jake-with-the-man-bun will suddenly remember his statistics final that’s “gonna require a quick study sesh in the library.” Come on, Jake. We know you’ve never seen the inside of Atkins.

3.) What to Wear:
Leather is your best friend. No, your leather Prada clutch does not count. Yes, the vintage distressed leather jacket that looks like it was submerged in a pool of New Guinea sewer water will look fabulous. The questionable stains add some character and complement the vintage band t-shirt you usually sleep in. Finish the ensemble with a watch that doesn’t actually work because irony is an inescapable feature of life for a fedora lord. (Wax poetic on a fedora lord: check.) Flannel is an acceptable substitute for leather.

4.) What to Do:
Your first order of business is to elect one member of your crew to be “the ironic person that sits on top of the table while the rest of you sit around it.” Botch this decision and the Creatures of The Common Market will sniff you out and ostracize you in a heartbeat. It’ll be the middle school dance incident all over again, but this time you won’t be able to blame puberty for your shortcomings. Garnish your mustache with expensive craft beer foam, discuss the importance of supporting local business and lift the toilet seat when you tinkle in the unisex bathroom. (You’re a marksman in Call of Duty, not 4 beers deep and ass out in a public bathroom.)

5.) What to Buy:
The Common Market is celebrated for their extensive selection of craft beers and reasonably (questionably) priced deli sandwiches. The only way to evolve from a creature of habit to a creature of The Common Market is to expand your horizons, so put down the Bud Light and get adventurous! (Unless you wanna be an uncultured little shit your whole life.) Be sure and snag a sniggity-snack (say that 5 times fast!) to fight shy of falling fit-shaced (that too!) while you indulge in delicious drinks (damn)!

We’ll leave you one last piece of advice: try to avoid prolonged eye contact with anyone that looks like a prospect for the Sons of Anarchy. Or… strike up a conversation! Maybe he collects Starburst wrappers. Maybe he collects souls; roll the dice, daredevil. Do with this wisdom what you may. After all, “The Code is more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.” – Captain Hector Barbosa. Welcome aboard the HMS Common Market, Niners.

If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?:

 
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