Fayetteville was recently ranked number four for best college towns, according to livability.com. As hog wild as The Black Sheep is, we just have a few issues with this achievement. For starters, who the hell reads that website clickbait mill? Also, the other college towns that made the list are similar to Fayetteville in that no one outside of the city has ever even heard of them… looking at you Ames, Iowa. And finally, there are a few things that the city could improve on before accepting this gracious honor.
10.) Lack of Kegs: College with no kegs makes zero sense. Not having them at tailgates is slightly understandable, mainly because of the UAPD, but more on that later. What we don’t understand is why these fraternities and house parties never seem to have one. The lack of kegs is robbing college students of the rounded out college experience their parents are paying for. It’s backwards and unnatural and it has to be stopped.
9.) Too Many Texans: There is nothing wrong with Texas. The problem is that students from Texas make up more than half of our student body. Where are the poor Arkansas residents going if Texas kids are running them out of their university? Before you know it, Fayettechill will turn into Keep Fayetteville Weird, and we’ll all start riding horses to campus.
8.) Parking Problems: To call parking in Fayetteville a problem is a giant understatement. Parking is a nightmare on every campus, but our genius construction planners might be more stupid than the rest. Quit removing parking lots and adding more dorms. They’re defeating the purpose of higher enrollment if off campus students can’t even make it to their classes because they’re too busy driving in circles looking for a curb that they can pretend will suffice.
7.) No Alcohol On Sundays: We’re in the South, duh. But no one seceded when we got a black president, and that’s because Southerners have evolved since the Civil War era. Now let’s continue this progress and stop blaming the Lord’s day for the reason why booze can’t be purchased. You drink wine while in church on Sundays, why not beer while in your living room? Also, Arkansas is the second poorest state in the country and they could probably use the extra sales tax money.
6.) UAPD: Brandon Allen is never going to find out who torched his car, because the UAPD are too busy handing out parking citations and MIPs. A cop writing parking tickets is similar to a Starbucks clerk giving unwanted financial advice, just unnecessary.
5.) Fantasy Football: Would it be treason to want Bobby back? Does anyone else fantasize about the days at the Cotton Bowl? It’s embarrassing to call ourselves SEC when the outcome of the Rutgers game is super unsure and no one is optimistic. If you take away Razorback football from Fayetteville, all you have left is a shit ton of fast food chicken restaurants and trucks.
4.) The Hills: This is pretty unrealistic, but it’s also very prevalent. Ask any student what sucks most about walking to campus and they’ll tell you the hills. Showing up to class with sweat running down your back and a bright red face is the norm. There is no way to avoid the hills either, because any direction you’re coming from there is a vertical upward trek in your future. Getting to the top deserves a, “fuck yes!”
3.) Construction At All Times: The city of Fayetteville will use any excuse to make the residents’ lives hell. And they’re not quick about their projects either. Garland was under construction for almost twenty seven years. All it takes is for a crack to be in a sidewalk for them to block off the entire street until it’s completely replaced and four years have passed.
2.) Walmart Domination: Walmart’s demographic is people trying to save money, but what they’ve become known for is having the trashiest customers. Because of Walmart’s monarchy in Arkansas there is only ONE Target in the whole city forcing students to go to Walmart and be exposed to butt cracks and angry meth heads. At least at Target the teenage moms are above the age of thirteen, and their annoying rug rats have the decency to keep the screaming at a minimum.
1.) We Can’t Get Our Shit Together When It Snows: The whole city shuts down when there is a dusting on the streets. And students act like they’re marooned on an island with no way to survive. Let’s stop being drama queens and put some 4-wheel drive in all these trucks, problem solved.