Has your roommate been irritating you so much to the point that you plan their death in 10 different ways every few minutes? Same here! Perhaps they “accidentally” added bleach to your laundry in the washing machine, which turned your favorite red sweater a blinding white, or just shit places they shouldn’t. If you constantly wish the Campus Connector would hit your roommate, here are a few simple ways to get back at them without ending up in prison:
5.) Ask to carry their backpack:
When both of you are going up the stairs, ask to carry their backpack for them, most likely containing their expensive MacBook. Bingo. If you live on the 12th floor in Brandt, for example, this works perfectly. Lift their bag over the ledge of the railing, look them directly in the eyes and say, “Oops.” Then, run back to your room and lock the door in hopes that they don’t attack you. Or, on the other hand, carry their backpack for them, no tricks. Your generosity made be psychological torture for them.
4.) Fill their shampoo bottle with conditioner:
Find the strongest conditioner that you can and mix it with your roommate’s favorite shampoo. Can you imagine the look on your roommate’s face when they are combing through their hair hours later and there are less tangles? Wow, this one’s harsh.
3.) Make their water ‘flavored’:
While your roommate is getting ready to hit Cary Street gym, grab their favorite water bottle and fill it a little less than halfway with water and the remaining portion with vodka (preferably flavored, to mask the taste). PRO TIP: This works best if your roommate is really stupid, clueless, or had their taste buds burned off. It will seemingly come off as a nice gesture in their eyes but halfway through doing squats, they may begin to wobble. By the time they leave the gym, they won’t even be able to walk in a straight line, or may even take their buzz to the bars or the creepy alleys on Cary Street. That’ll show ’em!
2.) Connect to their Bluetooth speakers:
If your roommate has been complaining about a huge test they have the next day, get back at them by making them receive no sleep. Go in their room while they’re getting ready for bed, turn on their Bluetooth speaker, and connect your laptop or phone to them. Wait up until 3 a.m. and blast Kelis’s Milkshake so loud that even you can feel the ground vibrate. If they come angrily knocking at your door, turn everything off and ignore them. Set an alarm at 5 a.m. and repeat.
1.) Do their homework:
This one’s bad. Search their room for a worksheet from their Calculus class, use Google to find the answers and slip it back into their bag. They’ll take it out thinking they did the work and forgot. Make sure you do their homework so well that it prompts the professor to question them, maybe even accuse them of cheating since they usually do terrible. Hey, you’re just trying to get the Honor Council to notice your roommate!
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