VCU Students are finding themselves peering over tall piles of handouts, academic research papers, take home quizzes, and exams. It’s Academic Awareness Month, and overworked, poorly-nourished pretend-adults are dragging their soon to be carcasses to Cabell to spend one of many more sleepless nights. This of course can only mean one thing. Booze, and lots of it.
VCU Students are contributing to record sales of alcohol all across campus in honor of Academic Awareness Month. With giant term papers come even more gargantuan blackouts. Evidence suggests that this month, there is a direct and positive correlation between the number of blackboard assignment submissions and four loko sales.
“Look here’s what I know about these kids. They come in with their friends all wearin’ empty backpacks, and talk about how much work they’ve got due on Monday,”A local expert on the subject, 7-11 clerk, and 40 year old bowling shirt enthusiast, finds that there is at least one case of PBR sold for every one paper due in the month of April. “Next thing I know they’ve cleared out the entire wine section. Oh by the way if you want cash back you’re gonna need to spend a few more bucks.”
Further research suggests that for every 3rd paper assigned there is one student blacked out on the roof of their friend’s friend’s apartment. Not only this, but for every 7th exam administered this month, a student wakes up in their underwear, in the Taco Bell stockroom, spooning a live chicken. Amid the struggle to just move across one end of dorm rooms to the other without getting lost in the piles and piles of textbook excerpts, it seems that students have found the one and only sure fire to make it all right. Getting absolutely shitfaced.
“I dunno man I just…I just got so much…I got so much work. I got so much work! I have this paper due on Tuesday that’s about like how Shakespeare was like…he was…well when he was writing he you know he like invented stuff…I don’t know. It’s all happening like pow pow pow but I’m just sorta here like uhhhhhahahahasfaglkdjshf. You know?” said Megan Johnson, a sophomore at VCU, at her fourth house party this evening.
Before Johnson can finish explaining she fills her red solo cup with a combo of whatever left over liquors there are and stumbles down the front steps and follows a crowd to the next party.
Steven Palacios, a current VCU Junior, believes he knows this phenomenon well.
“They do the same thing every year. The assignments are pourin’ in and so are the drinks. The only right way to do things is this.”
Palacios downs 5 beers and does 50 push ups. VCU students have celebrating all figured out.