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A Drunk Report Card of All Things Virginia Commonwealth University

There’s tons of things that make VCU a unique place to be. Most of those things are only tolerable through the foggy lens of diluted PBR. In honor of that sentiment, The Black Sheep has been hard at work to deliver this drunk review of all things VCU.

Cabell Library:
The number of people to acknowledge on the second floor: ERROR, ERROR — THIS NUMBER IS TOO HIGH FOR THE CEREBRAL CORTEXT TO HANDLE. 

Number of hours actually spent studying: 1/8 of the time spent looking for an open table, 1/5 of the time spent saying “hey” to friends, and a slight two (2) minutes of studying in between song changes. 

Number of bed bug bites you leave with: *Plead the 5th*

Grade: B-, the bed bugs bug us. 

Jonah’s:
Number of swipes spent at Jonah’s: “I don’t check the price, all I do is swipe.”

Quality of food: Better than anything Taco Bell or Shafer have to offer and saves more money on toilet paper that way too.

Amount of times you’ve regretted getting Jonah’s: About as many times a girl has called Michael B. Jordan ugly…never.

Grade: A+, it’s almost too good.

Cary St. Gym:
Number of cut-off shirts: More than there are guys here? 

Amount of time spent waiting for weights/machines: About the same amount of time spent working out.

Number of post-workout mirror selfies posted on Snapchat: “Yikes.”

Grade: A-, it’s essentially a social event.

Monroe Park:
Amount of time it takes to re-construct our ‘grounds’: If our kids end up attending VCU, maybe they’ll be able to enjoy it.

Number of times we’ve be able to take advantage of/enjoy Monroe Park: About as many time as we’ve been able to enjoy a VCU football game.

Amount of times that…: Not even worth it…it’s bad.

Grade: F-, just get an apartment with a yard.

VCU football:
Number of successful tailgates: 0

Number of wins in the past decade: 0

Number of jokes you hear on a weekly basis about our football team being undefeated: Whoever coined that joke deserves to be pushed off of the edge with all of Lil Uzi’s friends.

Grade: N/A, we need a team badly. 

Shafer Dining Hall:
Number of clean dishes and silverware: The chopsticks at the Sushi Station are clean at least!

Number of emergency post-meal bathroom trips: The same as the number of times we’ve eaten there. 

The amount of food you eat while you’re there: It’s all you can eat and we’re poor…game over.

Grade: C+, regardless of quality, the quantity saves my life and my wallet.

RamSafe:
The average amount of time spent waiting for your RamSafe: Roughly the same length as The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Number of other people on the RamSafe, after it took about 48-36 hours to arrive: Look to the left, now look to the right… You’re as alone as you were on Valentine’s Day.

Amount of…: Forget it, just get an Uber…

Grade: D-, if you don’t have Uber, then just get a Lyft.

VCU (overall): 
Grade: A+, regardless of the bad, it is severely outweighed by the good. VCU is a top-tier school in the state of Virginia, with a variety of programs amongst the top 3, 10, 25, and 50 in the nation. We bring the term ‘diversity university’ to life with programs and communities that bring together the city of Richmond, which grows year after year. You don’t want to go to war with the Rams, especially when we’re feeling “horny.” 

 

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