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Local Lifeguard Thinking About VCU Welcome Week Instead of Saving Lives

As toddlers began chicken fighting in the baby pool at the Chinquapin Community Pool on Tuesday afternoon–which later leading to a series of injuries–local lifeguard and rising sophomore at VCU, Jimmy Reynolds, was seen staring off into the distance, later telling reporters that his ‘oversight’ was caused by “pondering what Hawaiian button-down he should sport to his first darty during VCU welcome week.”

The disaster didn’t take long to occur, but the consequences were long-lasting. A child left the pool that day with a broken arm, and no tears left to shed in his little body. Witnesses explained that Reynolds seemed not as nearly as guilty as one would think.

“That lifeguard is bad news,”said Sheila Jones, a witness and mother of one of the children hurt. “Always sitting up there with a dumb look on his face, thinking about God-knows-what frat backyard he’s going to be shotgunning Bud Lights this fall. It was only a matter of time before something like this happened. I don’t trust my Billy under the supervision of that guy. Good riddance!”

“I just really miss Christian’s Pizza, man,” Reynolds said after the incident. His coworkers report Reynolds often complained about “trading in his Watermelon Four Loko for stupid mini Gatorades” and would occasionally curse his packed-from-home PB&J and drive to the nearest Panda Express for lunch, in hopes of getting a “taste of VCU life.”

“Not to brag or anything, but last semester I came in fourth place in my bro’s shotgunning competition. I just have such a good life set up for me in Richmond, none of this [protecting children’s lives thing] really matters to me,” Jimmy explained.

Amy Jenkins, a coworker of Reynolds, described him as a “frat star wannabe” and claims he often acted as if he was too good for such an irrelevant summer job.

Reynolds’s lifeguard career swiftly ended after his job was taken by the vengeful wrath of furious stay-at-home moms, but Reynolds seemed to feel no remorse.

“Welcome Week darties are pretty fuckin’ important, dude,” Jimmy said between Juul puffs. “If these bitches are going to yell at me for slipping up once, then I have the whole summer to plan out my Welcome Week sched.”

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