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In Wake of Protests, Man Cries Out For Equal Access To Pizza Rolls


Richmond, VA– Jordan M. Barnes, clad in nothing but his blue and yellow rubber ducky boxers and a bit of stubble on his chin, stands in the center of the compass on a cloudy Saturday afternoon. He’s holding up a sign, and he’s fighting the good fight.


Barnes’ sign reads “Equal Access.” The vague sharpie outcry on a found piece of cardboard could be about a number of issues, one being healthcare. The fight for equal access to healthcare for women has been a struggle well beyond Roe V. Wade, with obstacles ranging from the Hyde Amendment, which targets communities such as low income women and immigrants, to building regulations which are nearly impossible to follow being enforced on Planned Parenthood locations causing them to close down.


“I don’t know about all that, dude. I’m sick of Johnson being the only residence hall that has pizza rolls in the vending machines, though. I can tell you that for sure.”


As the cold air moves through the campus I wonder: Is his outfit representative of the public humiliation residents of Rhoads or Brandt must endure to come into contact with the heavenly golden brown masterpieces we all know and love, while Johnson residents can simply slide down their narrow spiral staircase in their PJs and hoard the goods for themselves?


“Nah, bro. I just woke up. But I’m pissed. I’m tellin’ you I’ve HAD it! I’m not trying to walk my ass down to a mini mart every time I’ve got those cravings, my guy. Johnson Hall has had it too good for too long. It’s our turn.”


Barnes is ready to do whatever he can to make pizza rolls available and easily accessible for each and every residence hall, as long as it’s like, after 11am, preferably on a weekend. Upon seeing him shouting at passersby, hair disheveled and voice hoarse, it would appear to you that this man has clearly been trying his very best to ensure equality here at VCU, and has had no choice but to resort to drastic measures to achieve this after a number of traditional attempts. You would be wrong in this assumption. Barnes, a man who is underfed and fed up all at once, really jumped into this head first.


“I guess I could have sent some letters but this seemed faster. Truth be told I’m like…a little hungover.”


Barnes may not be the hero we expected, deserved, or the one we even wanted, but he is a hero nonetheless. Get us those rolls, Jordan. Get us those hot hot rolls.


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