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Monroe Park Refuses to Open Up Despite Pressure From Therapist

Monroe Park has been closed off to the public for two years now, causing everyone to wonder what issues have risen that keep the park from opening. In the time it’s taken to renovate the park, VCU has almost completed two separate construction projects. In a breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, our correspondents recently spoke to Monroe Park’s therapist to see why construction of the park has taken so long.

“It seems to have built these walls around itself,” said Dr. Juulia McVape of Monroe Park. “This indicates to me that the park has experienced some emotional trauma and wanted to work on itself. When it first came to me, it seemed like everything was perfectly fine with the park, but then the city pushed almost $7 million in my direction, and I couldn’t refuse to psychologically ‘repair’ it.”

McVape went on to explain that the park should be shedding its iron gate shell at any given moment, but has presented that the park just isn’t ready to do that.

“It refuses to open up to people no matter how hard I try pressuring it,” McVape said. “I’ve tried everything, but it seems like all the unnecessary changes the park has made are giving it a real run for its money.”

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In an attempt to nudge the park into open up, our correspondents asked why it closed off in the first place.

“It wasn’t really my choice,” Monroe Park said.

“The city just saw me as an investment opportunity. It kicked out all of the people who live here. They even ripped out my trees and threatened to put in a café with free WiFi. I mean the fuck is this, Fern Gully?” Our correspondents nodded affirmingly and reassured the park that everything would be okay.

“I’m just in constant pain,” Monroe Park continued. “I don’t think I’ll open up for as long as those heathens at the college next door think it’s okay to use me as a shortcut to get to the engineering building. That thing is always blowing some mysterious fog into the sky, and it makes me uncomfortable.”

As the park remains closed, some conspiracy theorists have suggested that the park’s reconstruction project is a front for a secret lab that has been put in place to grow clones of the revered and omnipresent President Rao, lest his corporeal form vanish from this earth after consistently disrupting the lives of VCU students. 

Others conspire to say that the park’s inability to open is a result of the many hazards and dangers of living so close to VCU. The chaotic energy that resonates from the school may have traumatized the park forever as suggested by McVape. Various muggings and the fact that the school itself is capable of murder suggest that the park may never reopen.


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