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6 Opinions About VCU to Bring Up When You’ve Been Drinking Too Much

It’s hot as Satan’s underarms, and you’ve found yourself at an absolutely popping house party in RVA. Despacito has been played a dozen times. Kelly’s on the keg stand. Any concept of time is nonexistent. As awesome as everything is, each glimpse of black and gold subconsciously makes you miss VCU. We’ve taken six opinions about VCU for you to subtly sprinkle into conversation when you’re taking a break shotgunning whatever-the-hell kind of beer that is. 

6.) “The Monroe Park and MCV campuses are too damn far apart”:
There are nearly two miles separating the two campuses, which, in the event of a scheduling error, can become a massive nightmare. No one likes unnecessary cardio and unless you’re the Flash, getting to class on time isn’t going to happen.

5.) “Ram Safe is a lot nicer now, but you’ll still probably get mugged”:
Everyone knows that Ram Safe’s purpose is to transport students throughout the night so they can get home without incident. This might be what it says on the tin, but it’s far from the truth. It’s like calling for a cab and getting a tire to the face instead, or that scene in Mean Girls where Regina gets plowed by a bus. Get to walking, friend, or shoot a text to Brad with the longboard to borrow his ride.

4.) “I’m paying out of my ass for literally everything, parking shouldn’t be almost $400”:
Students are forking over obscenely high tuition as it is. Not only is there limited parking, but that steep price tag to keep a vehicle on campus is as rude as finding a cockroach in your Chick Fil-A sandwich. Only, the odds of that happening are below zero, and the staff won’t punch you in the face for asking for lower rates unlike the folks at the Transportation and Parking office.

3.) “Anyone that defeats the Compass racist should get, like, free meals from Shafer”:
This guy is relentless. His fuel is bigotry and the glares of others. He’s consistently returned to the Compass for the past few semesters, and while there haven’t been any altercations between him and a student, it’s only a matter of time. We’re not saying that going up to the guy and screaming “THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE CRAZY MAN ON THIS CAMPUS” three times in a row will make him go away, but we’re also not saying it won’t.

2.) “If you trip on the brick sidewalks, you should get money, for free”:
Dragging your lifeless body across campus day-in and day-out is a struggle already, but pitching in malicious bricks into the works, too? Those things will take out your ankles faster than you can say, “Can I get a double shot?” Financial compensation should be granted. Gift cards are also acceptable. The routing number to our bank account is 80085 (it’s BOOBS). 

1.) “There needs to be a plague that specifically targets loud study groups at Cabell”:
There is rarely a time when Cabell isn’t overflowing with students trying their best to dominate over their coursework. Among them are groups—more than likely STEM majors who have the curse of being super obnoxious while saying absolutely nothing of value—causing an uproar by spending their time cackling and spilling coffee rather than getting things done. With a new strain of plague, the majority of these loud-mouths can be wiped out and peace can settle once again. 

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