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Realizing Students “Breathe for Free,” VCU Raises Cost of Oxygen



After much debate, the Virginia Commonwealth University Board of Visitors has decided to follow the increases in tuition, room & board, and on campus parking, and increase of the cost of oxygen for the upcoming 2017-2018 academic year.


“In previous years, students have been breathing the air on and around the VCU campus for no cost. The cost of oxygen for the upcoming academic year will be raised to an average of just under a cent a minute, or roughly $4000,” a VCU representative explained.


As to be expected, students are not exactly pleased with this decision. Some students have expressed numerous concerns about how this affects their ability to attend the institution, citing parents who work several jobs to make ends meet as it is, among many other financial obstacles. Allison Friedrich, a rising sophomore at VCU, had some powerful things to say when she heard the news. “Uh yeah…what the shit?”


Not all VCU students were nearly as upset by the news. Adam Reynolds, a VCU freshman whose parents have paid for everything he has ever asked for and has never suffered even once, tweeted, “Don’t know why y’all are so upset lol,” later adding, “Why don’t U just get a job??”


Karol Kain Gray, VCU’s vice president for finance and budget, insists that the new price of oxygen is nothing but necessary, and is nothing to really make a big fuss over in the grand scheme of things.


“Students will be able to breathe easy knowing that the recent increase is a small price to pay for a quality education,” said Kain, buttoning up her coat made of many dalmatians.


The additional cost will help to close a longstanding revenue gap that has been accumulating in recent years.


VCU President Rao, in a heartfelt mass email sent from his iPhone, wants to make it perfectly clear to students that while some may be having trouble dealing with the recent news, the increase is not at all frivolous, and will go towards not only bettering the education of students, but the university as a whole.


“We are mindful of the cost of an education at VCU and the burden it places on students and their families. It is with the absolute heaviest of hearts that VCU has decided to screw you all over a little bit more. I definitely feel for all members of the student body stressing concerns about this increase, as I write this on vacation atop a diamond encrusted stallion.”


The administration is in no way unaware of the outrage this increase has stirred around campus and in the student body, and want students to refrain from becoming distressed by the recent decision.


One VCU administrator, feeling it necessary to bring some levity to the situation, made his view of the current increase known, stating in a recent press release, “At the end of the day, it just sucks to suck, you guys.”




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