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5 Reasons Beyond Doubt You’re Just a Bot Living in a Simulation at VCU

With Westworld and Altered Carbon spear-heading the list of popular television shows this summer, it’s easy to succumb to the belief that we’re all just strings of code floating through a massive databank. Seriously. Delve into that rabbit hole for a couple minutes. Here’s a handful of instances that make it difficult to deny reality may not be as it appears at VCU.

5.) Standing in line at Starbucks for three hours and realizing it was only twelve seconds:
The Cabell Starbucks is constantly overrun with people. It can seem like days have passed before you’re able to look a barista in the face and give your order, and when you finally get to the front of the line, and your body comes back online, it seems like absolutely nothing has changed.

4.) When you passed the same dude on a Razor scooter going the same direction, but there’s no way he could have done a U-turn that fast:
More than likely, what you bore witness to was a double string of code. The guy moved fast and didn’t so much as look at you, but you’re aware of your surroundings and you noticed him right away. You also noticed when, not even halfway down the side of Cabell, he returned, heading in the same direction you just saw him disappear. Something primal tells you that he doesn’t have a twin and you have long since stopped believing in coincidence.

3.) The various siren tests on campus:
Some days the glitches are far more obvious. These tend to be the ones where the safety system is tested and wailing sirens can be heard campus-wide. Many stop and clutch their ears, unable to stand the noise. Others keep on walking, blank faced and oblivious. It is plausible that this is the creators trying to weed out the weaker links…

2.) When the VCU alerts say campus police phone lines are down:
The VCU police equate to the anti-virus software keeping foolishness at bay. Sometimes, you just don’t have access to them at all. You can just roll your eyes and crack your Purge jokes, because that’s just your body loitering near sleep-mode while dumbass Carl, the new simulation programmer, wipes coffee from his keyboard again. If you feel a little tingly, that’s totally normal, too. Just give the higher-ups time to right the heavy pixelation behind Shafer Street and you’ll be good to go!

1.) President Rao putting us on the edge of bankruptcy to see if we’ll blow our money to breathe oxygen on campus:
We’re just simple beings trying our best to get through our lives when Rao, clearly in the role of a super intelligence, hits us with anything from prolonged Monroe Park construction to tuition hikes. He also tells professors to assign $300 textbooks, only for them to never be used in class just to tally up how many of us short-circuit from the threat of internal combustion. Those who manage to keep functioning properly are somehow never heard from again, having ascended to another plane of existence beyond our knowledge.

We hope this helps you decide whether you’ll attempt to surface from the Matrix or delve deeper into the rabbit hole.

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