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VCU Student ‘Literally’ Suffocates Under 1,300-Page Final Paper

While many  students are suffocating under the stress of last chances at redemption in every class, one student has it worse than the rest of the campus. VCU senior, Melancholy Tribulation, was rushed to MCV from Cabell on Wednesday morning after “literally suffocating” under the 1,300 page final paper due for her French Gibberish class.

An anonymous account from a student, who was suffering from heart palpitations on the fourth floor at the same time as Tribulation’s tragic fate, said that they saw her asphyxiation coming from booths away, but couldn’t give up the coveted study spot to help their fellow student.

Tribulation’s story is truly terrifying and one of the biggest fears among students, especially seniors submitting their final thesis. The story seemed to bad to be true that The Black Sheep sent a reporter to MCV to get all the facts straight and learn more about the terrifying truth of Melancholy’s final fate.

“One moment I was waiting for the printer to finish the last 400 pages, and the next I was swimming in a sea of paper trying to find a pocket of air,” Tribulation said from a hospital bed at MCV. “If I had known this was the required page length for the final, I wouldn’t have signed the liability waiver Professor Zaddy gave out on the first day of class.” 

Melancholy’s case is the first documented in VCU history and begs the question: should professors take students health into consideration when assigning absurd amounts of work?

One might wonder if the suffocation was worth it.

“I just want to get through finals,” Tribulation said, slowly dozing off. “I’m ready to disappoint my family.” 

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