While the rest of the campus is getting ready for finals, seniors are stressing about the next step in their lives. One of the main proponents of their transformation from slightly confused semi-adult peoples to highly confused full-adult peoples is avoiding questions about their future. These questions come from everyone; your mom, your roommate’s third cousin, the man scooping your ice cream at Cold Stone. Deciding what to tell this people is tough, so we’ve compiled a list of 4 things you will absolutely, for certainly, 100% NOT be doing after graduation to help you narrow down your choices.
4). Going near anywhere named “Oak Lane”:
You peed on the golf course once. That was fun. But other than that, the place just makes you think of the superficial, classist, who-do-you-know nature of society… maybe we should have gone there more. Also, paying to get into parties is un-American.
3). Give any money to Tech:
You love Tech, but it’s a weird type of love. It’s like how a mother loves her Furry son, even though she knows he’s a piece of shit. Why does Tech need your money? So they can build something no one asked for or needed? To quote Randy Jackson, it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Penn State – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Bounty
NC State – $300 Bounty
2). Going to the Gym:
Shit, you’re finna be in your bed for at least three weeks. You don’t have time for no gym, your brain is sore. If you can barely manage to get yourself into McComas every Tuesday and Thursday, how do you expect yourself to go hard at Planet Fitness surrounded by a bunch of old people.
1). Paying any parking tickets ever:
You’ve already paid Tech all the money you had set aside for parking tickets for the rest of your life. You physically cannot pay another parking ticket again in your life . You were thinking of maybe acquiring a large owl to take you everywhere, but you need a permit for that.
Congrats to all the seniors. We hope your years of dropping Qdoba bowls and fallings into Drillfield puddles were fantastic.
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