Is it spring yet? If we’re judging by Blacksburg weather, we won’t be certain until after graduation But by the number of breakups around campus, we can only assume that the cozy winter months of cuffing season are well over. We are now in what The Black Sheep likes to call “dumping season”, and if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with the need to dump a desperate call for a snuggle buddy, we’re here to make dumping season YOUR season. Here’s a list of the best places in Blacksburg to break the news to your cuffing partner that they are no longer loved nor wanted:
5.) TOTS Outdoor Patio:
You can’t be sad if you’re shitfaced, and the fresh air will keep your soon-to-be dumped one cool, calm and as collected as a drunk college kid can be. Bonus points if this is the place you two met for your first Tinder date, because that sounds like the worst possible first date ever, therefore it was doomed from the beginning. Even if they get overly emotional and push you down the stairs, you can always try again at BOTS.
4.) Newman Library:
Even though there are designated quiet floors, it’s a universal rule that no one can scream or cry in a library; it’s practically written in The Constitution. This bids you enough time to drop the bomb and have a clean and quiet get away. Maybe you’ll even get lost somewhere in the stairwell and end up having to buy three cups of coffee before finding the correct exit.
3.) Outside of President Sand’s Office:
There’s no practical reason as to why you should break up with someone outside of President Sand’s office, but it has the potential of becoming one hell of a conversation starter, and also good for keeping tabs on The Who’s Who of your dating life: “You remember Valerie, the girl I broke up with outside of President Sand’s office and then he peeped his head out and asked us if we’d made our senior gift to the university yet.”
2.) Empty Lane Stadium:
Imagine this: you invite your not-very-significant-anymore other to a secret rendezvous in Lane; a secret little meeting with just the two of you. Upon sneaking through security and into the stadium, they find not you, but bright white letters trimmed in red that spell “WE’RE BREAKING UP” in all caps across the giant LED video board over the North End Zone. This is beneficial in two ways: 1.) it makes it so that you won’t have to physically manifest yourself in front of the dumpee and you can avoid all possible reactions and responses, and 2.) it shows that even though you don’t care about them anymore, you’re still a very thoughtful person and they should definitely consider you for a cuffing season rebound for next year.
1.) The Farmer’s Market:
This is a great way to not break up with someone, but to convince them to break up with you and your newfound love for armpit hair and Birkenstock sandals and locally grown vegetables that only grow naturally in the jungles of Japan. Your personal vendetta against franchise grocery stores and microwaves will drive anyone as far away from you as they can get. This strategy will save you time, energy, and the pain of shattering another’s heart into a million tiny pieces.
Happy dumping season everyone! Be safe and remember that everyone has feelings, unless you’ve fallen out of love and want to break up with them.