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7 Precautions to Take to Stay Away from Schiffert Health Center

As the Hokie Plague season approaches, NyQuil and cough drops become scarce at the Dietrick Convenience Store. Your only hope is to go to Schiffert Health Center to be prescribed a real medicine that knocks you out for the week until your immune system kills the bug. But honestly, Schiffert sucks. Their treatment will be ice chips, Tylenol, and a lecture about how you should have washed your hands more. And who in the hell wants that? Not you? We didn’t think so. Just follow these 7 precautions and you’ll probably never have to enter that building again:

7.) Eat healthy:
Load up on all your food groups with Chicken Parm: Protein, carbs, tomato (which counts for veggie and fruit since no one can decide what it is) and dairy. Then drink lots of coffee from Deets to buzz your immune system and encourage it to be productive.

6.) Clean everything obsessively:
Go insane with the Clorox wipes. Clean every single inch of you apartment including the common areas and your roommates disgusting bedroom. The smell of bleach will also clear out you and your roommates’ sinuses when breathed-in in copious amounts.

5.) Check WebMd:
Checking your symptoms on WebMd is more productive than going to Schiffert. It doesn’t judge you complaining about your symptoms and it’s reassuring, because the likelihood of you having a bunch of obscure diseases like Mad Cow Disease is low. Plus, the doctors at Schiffert probably won’t know what the hell you have either.

4.) Exercise more than usual:
And “usual” is probably not at all. Go for a run. Or don’t, because who would want to torture themselves in that way. Being trampled by the cadets in Upper Quad sounds like a better time than going for a run.

3.) Drink a lot:
Alcohol kills germs, so drink up. You’re just trying to keep yourself safe from the Hokie Plague. And you know what they say, an alcoholic apple cider a day keeps the doctor away. Just stay lit to stay fit. You deserve a TOTS Tuesday.

2.) Control your hormones:
Don’t hook up with random people at parties this Halloweekend. You will thank us for this week when you aren’t sitting in the waiting room at Schiffert watching the fish swim around in circles in the tank and cringing when you see the person who you made out with sitting across from you.

1.) Go to Schiffert:
Just go to watch other Hokies leaving Schiffert. Their poor, unsettled conditions will inspire you to take your health seriously when you realize absolutely no one in that place is actually going to help you.

Honestly, real doctors cost money and who has the money for that when your parents have kicked you off their insurance plan. And WebMd is going to make you believe that you have a terminal disease that isn’t likely. Our advice is to just call your mom to come to your room and spoon-feed you chicken noodle soup and homemade grilled cheese.


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