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8 Things Addison Caldwell Could be Thinking About


Addison Caldwell was an important member of the Virginia Tech community when the university first opened. Even today, Addison Caldwell is an important member of the Hokie community, because he’s always a great friend to lean on when you’re drunk and can’t get up the stairs to upper quad. We have been listening closely and this is some shit Addison Caldwell has to say to the Hokie Nation:


8.) “Back in my day, I could drink more and make papers not sound like bullshit.”
This week most people are stressing about papers and what better way to deal with stress than to do your homework while drunk? However, no matter how much you claim that you can drink, you will never beat Caldwell’s rock-hard tolerance.


7.) “I’m so glad that these dorms look nicer than the barracks I lived in, but did they have to block my view of the mountains?”
We all love the views from campus, but the new cadet dorms are in Caldwell’s line of view. I mean, how rude can we get. It’s not like he has anything else to do other than staring off into the distance and thinking about the good ole days.


6.) “Why can I never find parking for my horse and buggie?”
Tech no longer offer proper services for horse and buggie long term storage, let alone daily parking for average students. It’s not like poor old Addie can easily go to the parking meters to add quarters every two hours. I mean, imagine how many parking tickets he has from staying in Upper Quad as long as he has.


5.) “My legs are getting stiff.”
It’s understandable that Caldwell is stiff. He hasn’t stretched in years and watching all the cadets run by just makes his legs itch to run again. Standing in that position for a long time must be exhausting work, but we have to applaud his dedication to watching over campus.


4.) “Back in my day, the streakers looked much better.”
Caldwell’s legs aren’t the only stiffs in Upper Quad and he gets a full view of it all. None of us were around when he was alive, so who are we to say what decade had better endowed streakers? We just have to trust his judgement.


3.) “I’m hard all the time, but you have no idea.”
As previously said, his legs aren’t the only stiffies on campus. We just can’t see it, because the sculptor didn’t have enough material to be historically accurate.


2.) “I never left Virginia Tech and neither will you.”
The only difference between you and Caldwell is that he did graduate and things aren’t looking too good for you. So when you’re stuck in Blacksburg, it’s because you have to keep repeating the same damn class. Not because you’re a statue.


1. ) “If someone is going to move me again, can they please move me to TOTS and get me Rail’d?”
Traditions haven’t changed that much since Caldwell started his Virginia Tech career; when the university fucks us up, we get fucked up. As long as there are great bars downtown and exhausting homework to drive there, then the tradition will live on.


Can someone please give Addison Caldwell a phone so that he can use his time wisely and scroll on The Black Sheep’s website? Or give him a book that explains why Math Emporium is even a thing and maybe he will think of a solution to relieve students from that torture chamber. Give your old buddy a wink next time you’re passing him and he may just wink back.







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