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An Idiot’s Guide to Super Bowl 50


If you’re reading this, then to you the Super Bowl is probably a time to kick back, drink a few beers, eat the delicious Game Day snacks, and laugh at the commercials. You probably aren’t even planning on paying attention to the game. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t whip out trivia to make your friends think you know what you’re talking about. Read on to find out what you should know for the big Super Bowl 50.


Who’s Playing:

Carolina Panthers (No. 1 offense)

Denver Broncos (No. 1 defense)


People to Know:


QB: Cam Newton: He’s expected to win the NFL MVP and Super Bowl MVP. Went No. 1 overall in the draft. He’s currently the best player in the NFL.


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Line Backer: Luke Kuechly: One of the best defensive players in the NFL. And he’s a terrific offensive player. Keep an eye on him doing cool shit. Mention his pick six in the last playoff game to gain more football cred.


Tight End: Greg Olsen: He’s the Panther’s top receiving threat. He will be the one catching the ball.


Head Coach: Ron Rivera: What more is there to say other than this is the guy who will be shouting into a thick headset? Also the guy who will get Gatorade poured on him if the team wins.



QB: Peyton Manning: He’s old af. If he wins, he’ll set the record as the oldest quarterback in NFL history. Went No. 1 overall in the draft like Newton. And his 2015 regular season was one of the worst ever for a QB to start in a Super Bowl. Nice work, Grandpa.


Linebacker: Von Miller: Another great defensive player in the NFL and definitely a reason for Denver’s No. 1 ranked defense.


Wide Receiver: Demaryius Thomas: He’s the one who Peyton will be throwing to. He’s been known to catch it a lot—in fact he’s set a record.


Head Coach: Gary Kubiak: refer above to the other head coach.


Interesting Tidbits:

— Broncos are making their 8th Super Bowl appearance. If they lose, they’ll continue their record for the most Super Bowl losses (yikes).


— Panthers are wearing their black jerseys, Broncos are wearing white (if you want football cred, you can’t mix this up).


— 10 out of 11 of the last Super Bowl winners were wearing white (so if you’re superstitious…).


— Super Bowl ads this year cost $5 million per 30-second slot.


— Snoop Dogg asked Peyton Manning for a discount on Papa John’s Pizza one time.



If you want to make any bets, experts agree that the Panthers will beat the Broncos. Denver will inevitably not be able to run the ball. And the Panther’s ball-hawking defense is going to be a bitch for Peyton Manning. If Broncos want to win, their defense has to be killer, and Peyton’s got to pull one last bunny out of the hat and show us that game-winning magic.  


There you have it. Now that you’re a football fanatic, feel free to jump into conversations saying things like “Carolina will the move the ball early” or “the Broncos are going to score more field goals than touchdowns.” Just keep dropping those names and everyone will look at you with newfound respect about your football prowess. And if that doesn’t work, just continue enjoy watching commercials and the half-time show featuring Coldplay, Bruno Mars, and the only reason you’ve stuck around this long: Beyoncé.


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