To all the Hokies who had to bury their brackets on March 18, 2018 (RIP), I feel for you. I know that all your brackets have been busted for a while, and I know you’ve been avoid thinking about your bracket because you have more important things to do, like watch Cars 2 or finish up a lab report, but its is important that we look on our past experiences so we can learn from them. So, here’s a list of things you can do to start the healing process.
Any RomCom will tell you that the most important stage of grieving is the wallowing part. I would suggest hanging up your bracket on your fridge, like your mom hung up your sort of mediocre art work in elementary, as a sort of momentum to all the fucked up things you did this semester. Grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, put on your jammies, and crank those moody tunes as you lose yourself to thoughts of what Could Have Been ™ .
4.) Keep the faith:
If you said the Hokies were going to lose before the Sweet 16, we hope you never find parking on this campus again. Yes, they did end up losing to Tide Pod Incorporated, but how can you go against the university that literally feeds you above average Chicken Parm??
3.) Blame The Man:
This is all the NCAAs fault so like fuck them. The NCAA won’t pay their players, (above the table anyways) and if they did, everything would be right in the universe, and you’d be sitting here with a perfect bracket.
2.) Yell at the T.V.:
Why the hell do these TV camera guys have a fetish for showing crying children when a team loses? It’s not a coincidence that a team with a nun as their #1 fan has made it to the Final 4, it’s retribution for the NCAA sins (and for every time you drunkenly sing “Gold Digger” by Kanye). I mean have you seen Chris Clarke’s hair? He should be paid a hefty son for just that.
1.) Pick a replacement:
UMBC, a.k.a. “The Air Buddies” beat UVa and became the first 16 seed to beat a No. 1 seed. Remember, we hate UVa. They beat UVa. So, by the transitive property, we love UMBC. Even if we don’t know what the fuck all those letters stand for.
At least we can all sleep soundly knowing that Duke and UVa are both out of the bracket. It’s almost like at this point we don’t really care who wins, as long as everyone has fun doing it.
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