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A Day in the Life of a Hokie as Told by the FBI Agent in Their Laptop

This is Agent Crames Komey, codename “Sporty Spice”, ready to report for duty on the 20-something student who owns the laptop I’ve been assigned to watch. Thankfully, my subject has not covered up his webcam, giving me full access to whatever it is that he may or may not have to hide. I’ll check in throughout the day to give updates.

9:25 a.m.:
My subject is sitting in what appears to be a lecture hall, but I can’t tell if he’s actually paying attention to what’s being said, what with that incredibly glazed look in his eye. I’m going to assume he goes to Virginia Tech given the fact that he’s wearing a VT sweatshirt along with about ten other people sitting behind him in this class. Seriously, is that all these people wear?

12:23 p.m.:
There is a constant buzzing in the background, which I assume is the voice of the class’ professor. Reasonable to believe his name is Boyer? Man, this guy reminds me of a car salesman. His voice is so loud in these online video lectures it’s impossible to not pay attention. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely excited about literally everything he’s talking about or if his constant screaming is actually normal for him.

2:40 p.m.:
So I’m guessing this “Lavery Hall” is the best place for someone to discreetly cry in, because that’s exactly what my subject is doing right now. He looks so pitiful, I wish I could reach out and give him a pat on the back or a milkshake or something. Is this what the kids call a “mid-day mental breakdown”? And I thought the Russians were bad.

5:14 p.m.:
How the hell do these students get crêpe on their meal plans? I’m genuinely pissed off. I had to eat my way through garbage when I was getting my undergraduate degree, and this kid just casually bought himself a chocolate crepe? Even the cafeteria here in D.C. doesn’t have anything that good. The UVa kids probably have such a hard time trying to convince themselves they go to a better school.

8:33 p.m.:
I’m really disappointed in my subject, who should really be studying right now. I’ve heard him tell at least five different people that he has an exam tomorrow that he hasn’t started preparing for. And yet, here he is, picking his nose while watching his fifth consecutive episode of Queer Eye. He’s just lucky I can’t scold him through his laptop screen.

11:17 p.m.:
What is this “Chegg account” that I keep hearing my subject talk about? Is it an online study tool? Good for him for at least trying his best to succeed. I’m just so glad he’s not the type of student to cheat his way through his classes.

I think I’ve seen all I need to see with this kid. He seems so caught up in trying to get his life together while passing his classes that I don’t see him being a troublemaker of any sort. He could probably use a shower through, because he definitely didn’t take one today.

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