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Downtown Arrests Increasing in Order to Recruit Dining Hall Workers


It’s well-known by every Hokie that Tech has recently spent a significant amount of mula on rebranding and even a drone cage. Yet, we don’t have the basic necessities like parking or dining hall workers. However, several sources inform us that Virginia Tech is taking drastic measures in order to recruit more dining hall workers: by increasing the amount of arrests downtown.

Virginia Tech officials have entrusted the task of “hiring” dining hall workers to the boys in blue, narcs, whatever you want to call them: The Blacksburg Police Department. You know who they are, they probably know who you are. They see you when you’re at Big Als and they know when you’re drunk in public, but they’re most definitely not Santa. For Christmas this year, you’re not even getting coal, you’re getting community service: in the form of volunteering in your local dining halls.

Nicholas Vordont, a junior accounting major, shared his own experience, “ I was just peeing in the bushes by the Farmer’s Market. Then boom, arrested. I’ve been on the lunch rush at Bruegger’s ever since.

These cops know where to strike Hokies where it hurts as they line up right in the center of downtown like a solid sea of blue waiting to “recruit” you for dining services. But this is nothing like the recruitment process sorority girls know and love. These guys definitely do not want to be your “future bridesmaids.” They want to see you slinging mashed potatoes in JP’s because there are no other ways to recruit students to work there.

Senior Rachel Pain also weighed in on the new recruiting technique, “I don’t get it. I fell down Al’s stairs and now they have me serving in the dining halls until Christmas. It’s not fair. Someone totally spilled their drink on the steps, I wasn’t even drunk.”

Next time downtown, stay on high alert. Tech needs dining hall workers and you are the prime target because they don’t need to pay you, it’s your debt to society. So stay vigilant and make sure the boys in blue don’t come for you. And if they do, we’ll have double mash, thanks.



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