Gobblerfest in its intended form is great when you’re a freshman. Maybe you don’t know anyone and want to make new friends. Maybe your roommate is a total psycho and you need somewhere other than your tiny little dorm room to hang out in during your free time. Maybe you feel guilty that you’ve spent all your free time watching obscene amounts of Netflix and napping and need a group to talk with about watching obscene amounts of Netflix and napping. Most of us seasoned Hokies, however, have already made friends and joined organizations…. We’re just here for the free shit.
Gobblerfest is to college kids what trick-or-treating is to children, minus the ridiculous witch costumes and that creepy neighbor’s house your parents wouldn’t let you go to. Do you need all these pens that won’t work after using them for one all-nighter or those bottle openers you’ll use once and then find in between the seats of your car in a year or two? No, but they’re free and you’re poor. You show up for the free koozies, even though the beer you put in them will probably be warm to start with. You’ll leave with more Frisbees than you or even your dog wants, but the Ultimate club is always taking donations. Snag enough free cups and you won’t have to do dishes for months.
Who’s giving out all this free shit, you might ask? Literally everyone. Don’t be surprised to see one of your professors in a compromising position at the In Balance Yoga booth, or your favorite stoner friends camped out by the Campus Cookies booth rocking their free “get baked” shades. Young Americans for Liberty and Young Americans for Freedom will both be there because, apparently, you can’t be for just one. The Finance Club will be there counting all the money they don’t have, as well as Finance Females, because the year is 1950 and, again, the two can’t just be one.
Ask Big Questions will also be there. Maybe you can ask the big question of what they hell they do, because nobody actually seems to know. Wine to Water will have a booth, though we’d much rather there be a Water to Wine club, because if we could turn tap water into boxes of Franzia we might save enough money to pay dues for one of the million Greek organizations that will be there.
Get a shit ton of free T-shirts from various organizations, and then walk straight over to the Plato’s closet booth and get rid of them because you know you’re never going to wear them. You have four hours to sign up for hundreds of listservs, and four years to figure out how to get yourself removed from every single one of them. Unfortunately, you can’t get the free T-shirt from the Nonsmoking Hokies booth if they just watched you sign up for the Cigar Club (we tried.)
Tons of local businesses will be there too. Need a local dentist after eating all that free sugary candy? Stop by Cook Family Dentistry and maybe they’ll fill your cavity, though we certainly hope that’s not what they’re doing there. Tons of apartment complexes will have booths, so if you’re roommate totally sucks maybe you’ll get lucky and find a one-bedroom apartment somewhere. Just make sure your apartment actually exists, unlike all the people who are supposed to be living in The Edge’s unfinished apartments right now. Hooptie Ride will have a booth for you to avoid, so as to not run into that driver who called you a “mess” after you vommed in his mystery van.
Word on the street is that there will even be a psychic, so do yourself a favor and ask her where you’re going to lose your wallet/shoes/dignity this weekend so you don’t have to look too hard on Sunday morning. While you’re at it, stop by The Mitchell Law Firm’s booth and make a new attorney friend in case things get too out of hand at Big Al’s again.
For a moment, forget your parents never send you care packages and revel in all the goods you get at Gobblerfest. Get pumped that you’re about to get maybe $50 worth of free shit and forget about the ridiculously high tuition you’re paying to even go to Gobblerfest. And if you’re one of the few at Gobblerfest for its actual purpose, there’s a club, organization or team for everyone and everything, even if there shouldn’t be (Nicolas Cage Club, we’re looking at you).