There are so many fun activities to do in and around Blacksburg during the summer! You and a few of your closest friends can go for a cool dip in Claytor Lake, go shopping in any of the three stores New River Valley Mall, or plan the perfect crime. The Qdoba on University City Boulevard would be the perfect scene. There are so many competitors like the Chipotle next door and Moe’s down the street that nobody will suspect you. The five-step LEGAL program is the comprehensive beginner’s guide for your heinous heist:
1.) L – Location:
Why this Qdoba and not the one in Turner? The reason is cash money, honey. Everyone on campus pays with their Hokie Passports, leaving the registers lacking in the green goodness. The ‘doba we picked is also easy access to the interstate, which makes for a quick escape. Location is everything.
2.) E – Execution:
It’s showtime. Your four-seater getaway car whips in front of the main entrance and three of you hop out in masks. You previously assigned the roles of driver, robber, crowd control, and lookout. The driver waits in the car while the robber hops behind the counter with style. The crowd control screams uncontrollably to both confuse and terrify the patrons while the lookout stands by the door with the focus of a grizzly in a stream of salmon.
3.) G – Getaway:
You exit the door with the cash in hand and a little guac to go. From there you jump back into the car, which the driver parked on the corner for an easy pull out onto University City.
The driver immediately heads towards 460, where you have a second getaway car parked in hiding on the side of the road. This will throw the police off of your scent. Now you’re home free to live the rest of your life in the mountains of West Virginia.
4.) A – Alibi:
Every criminal has a solid alibi in case of questioning. Because you’re the epitome of organized crime, you already thought about that. Three months prior, you signed you and your four friends up for a camping trip with the Venture Out program. You then pay four students from Blacksburg High School to go on the trip in your stead. The townies are usually down for anything.
5.) L – Loot:
Congratulations! The plan went off without a hitch, and you’re out here livin’ la vida loca. What are you going to do with your riches? The obvious answer is going to Qdoba every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The Black Sheep is not responsible for any crimes you commit, successful or failed. If you get caught, own that mugshot, baby.
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