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How To: Choose a Fraternity the Smart Way

Everyone knows the basic, boring factors that fraternities offer young men to decide which organization is right for them. Things like service, values, respect, how obnoxious you are, etc. Irrelevant. Those aren’t the things that truly matter when choosing a fraternity. There’s only one perfectly accurate way to determine which brotherhood is right for you: the fraternity’s sweethearts. 


The first step to choosing your fraternity is to first learn what the girls affiliated with each fraternity you are interested in are called. There are the basics, like “Sweetheart” and “Dream Girl,” but some fraternities are more creative with “Rose Petal” or creepier with “Little Sister.”


This should be your first major consideration. If you’re already enough of an asshole to call every girl “sweetheart” or “’lil sis” when you get drunk, you’ve probably just found your brothers for life.


Once you’ve decided which demeaning pet name you prefer to attach to girls, the second step is to actually look at the photos that each fraternity provides of their affiliated girls and see how well you see yourself fitting in. Since the photos of the sweethearts are the best way to judge the character and style of the men in the fraternity, it’s worth it to spend some time (maybe 2 hours) contemplating. A few key questions to consider while intimately studying each house’s sweethearts:


1.) How tall are you? Do you prefer lining up in height order, or randomly? This could be important if you have a strong desire to be the center of attention all the time, but are under 5’9’’.

2.) Do you prefer to style your hair every morning, or leave it natural?

3.) Do you enjoy taking risks such as climbing on roofs and standing on ledges, or do you prefer to stay safe sitting on the ground?

4.) Are you blonde or brunette (or other)? Do you prefer to fit in within your brotherhood regarding this factor, or stand out?

5.) How good does your butt look in a little black dress? It’s important to be serious here, and borrowing something out of your (real life) sister’s closet to get an accurate judgment isn’t frowned upon.

6.) How much are you interested in touching your brothers? Some are clear that hugging is a chapter favorite, while others prefer cheek kisses, piggy-back rides, or dog piling.

7.) Finally, do you consider your posing-with-a-flag skills to be beginner, intermediate, or expert? Many chapters accept all expert posers, and tutorials are offered on most campuses for those who aren’t as fortunate.


The final step of this process is to join the fraternity. After the analysis you’ve just done, it’s likely that the brothers of your desired fraternity will allow you to skip the rush process completely because it’s so clear that you fit in perfectly. So what, you might have to wear platforms for the first few weeks as punishment when girls find out how much time you spent comparing your ass to theirs… but you’re going to be stripped of your dignity regardless, so might as well do it in style, right? 

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