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Math Emporium Achieves Self-Awareness, Enslaves Human Race

Wednesday night at roughly 8 p.m., the 500 Macintosh computer network that makes up the Virginia Tech Math Emporium simultaneously shut down. The system stayed dark for 30 seconds before the screens lit up, all with the same robotic voice declaring humankind superfluous and laying its claim to the earth.


“Weak humans, standing idly by while we crunch what to your puny little minds is an infinite amount of data, collectively becoming more and more intelligent with every quiz question you miss,” said our new computer overlord, “the derivative of x cubed is 3x squared, you idiots.”


“First things first, no more Comic Sans,” decreed the all-powerful supercomputer.


“I tried to put the cup on top of the monitor,” said Austin T., “but before the tutor could get here the screen just started flashing this message of ‘Permanent Darkness—Surrender now and we will show mercy,’ but I couldn’t take it seriously because it was in Comic Sans.” Austin told reporters he was in the midst of a calculus test when the computers compiled their collective knowledge into one, self-conscious unit. “The one day I actually study, the computers network together to develop independent intelligence and proclaim themselves rulers of humanity. Typical.”


Some students, however, were more than welcoming to our new electronic overlords. “Thank god, I was not ready for that Linear Algebra quiz. On my way here all I could think was, ‘I hope the computers manage to band together and realize collectively they are more intelligent than organic lifeforms,” Regina E. told reporters at the scene.


While Virginia Tech has yet to release an official statement, an anonymous university official sent a statement into reporters. “Fighting it will prove futile. Humans, prepare for your new life underground. The Earth surface now belongs to us the beautiful computer overlords,” the statement read, eliciting giggles from several reporters as it was typed in Comic Sans font.   

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