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Report: Increase In Blacksburg’s Moped Riders Really Explains The Whole Hemorrhoid Issue

BLACKSBURG, VA – Local pharmacies have reported that the popular cream for treating hemorrhoids, Preparation H, has been flying off the shelves faster than they can stock it. Scientists over at the Preparation H headquarters in New York cited Blacksburg moped riders as their highest source of income, followed closely by on crotchety 72-year-old man, Hank.

“I had to order the cream in bulk,” said David Felsenthal, president of the Theta Mu chapter of the Moped Riders Association at Virginia Tech and daily cream-applicator. “CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, and even Walmart have all been sold out for ages.” 

Felsenthal is a Master Regional Rider (MRR), the highest honor in the Moped Riders Association. He states that weekly chapter meetings “have to be held either standing or not at all” due to 95% of the members dealing with chronic hemorrhoids. 

Vice President of the club, Gabby Smythe, is of the 5% of that claim to “not have hemorrhoids.” 

“My family has been known for generations to have rectums of steel,” gloated Gabby as she sat with pride on her bright pink moped. 

Felsenthal, on the other hand, claimed that “Gabby hides her hemorrhoids” in an attempt to appear dominant on this political playground. “My father, president of the Theta Mu chapter in 1982, always told me two things: always apply before and after your rides, and never trust a so-called ‘ped enthusiast’ without hemorrhoids.” 

Schiffert Health Center has been swarmed as of late with moped enthusiasts with bloody bowels. A weekly support group called “Hokies with Hemorrhoids” has even been announced to take place on the fourth floor of Newman Library. 

Despite all of these reports, the number of moped commuters has still been increasing exponentially around campus with no stop in sight. 

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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