Northern Virginia: where kids living 30 minutes from the capital of the free world complain about having nothing to do. We’re a southern state, but we’re all 20 miles from D.C., resulting in a juxtaposition of northern culture and southern tradition. Essentially, Nova is just 1.9 million people collectively having an identity crisis, and here’s a list of every kid from Nova you’ve ever met.
5.) The Vineyard Vines Model:
You know that guy from your high school whose LinkedIn bio is “entrepreneur” and wears Cchubbies in December? Or the girl who has monogrammed Lilly Pulitzer tampons? Of course you do, because these rich dicks make up around half of the Nova population. They have 7 lake houses per divorced parent and live exclusively in their Sperry Topsiders. Incredibly, they can actually get high just from listening to Jordan Belfort. They’re every preppy stereotype, and they most definitely go to UVa.
4.) The Soundcloud Addicts:
Go check your Twitter feed. Are there at least seven7 people promoting their mixtapes? Yes, you say? And every single one of them sucks major ass? Incredible! Unbeknownst to most Nova rappers, failing 10th grade algebra doesn’t qualify your having a “Hard Knock Life.” Your beats suck and your asthma really gets in the way of your lyrics. Please never again send me a Soundcloud link through Twitter, or Facebook, or email, or Tinder, or LinkedIn.
3.) The Southern Belles:
Do we technically live below the Mason Dixon? Sure. Does that mean it’s acceptable for people to wear cowboy boots to school and drive tractors to football games? Fuck no. These Wannabe-Robert-E-Lees spend their entire life savings on Jiffy Lube Live concerts and practice their southern accents in front of the mirror before they go to bed. You fed a chicken at Cox’s Farms once, Kyle- that doesn’t make you a farm boy.
2.) The Art Whores:
The girl with the green hair and neck tattoo. The white guy with dreads who writes poetry during his break at Starbucks. This brand of Novian rejects their suburban heritage, fooling themselves and everyone around them into thinking they’re from New York or any place with actual culture. But since they can’t actually make it in The Big Apple, they settle for Virginia’s closest thing: Richmond. God bless their graffiti art and hipster coffee though- that’s the real shit and weI applaud all of you.
1.) The Parent:
The suburban moms and dads are niche as hell, ladies and gentlemen. They all work for the government, they all drive BMW’s or Toyota vans, and they all still have those fucking Blackberry belt bands things. They live vicariously through their children’s JV soccer careers and yell at Target cashiers. We understand that you have a security clearance, but filing papers for the National Highway Traffic Safety Association isn’t exactly an impressive D.C. job, Karen.
At times Nova can feel like a giant slurpee machine broke and vomited every flavor of douchebag onto the people of Northern Virginia, but as different as we all are there’s one thing we can always agree on; Cava Mezze is the absolute shit.