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Virginia Tech Gets Call from God: It’s Winter Now

Late last night, the newly installed Virginia Tech President Timothy Sands was about to go to bed when he received an unsolicited phone call from someone he had never heard from before.


“Hey, um, what do you think you’re doing? Press the ‘WINTER’ button, newbie,” said God, before Sands could say hello.


The Black Sheep was relieved upon receiving this story through our wire this morning, as we expect most students to be as well, since this means nothing is fundamentally wrong with Earth. Instead new president Timothy Sands was overwhelmed with his initiation ceremony and forgot to press the “WINTER” button, which at Virginia Tech, is generally scheduled for pressing on October 11.   


Upon seeing panic on students’ faces when it was still warm enough to wear shorts in October, God decided it was time to step in. Initially, He wasn’t planning on calling Dr. Sands, as he assumed that someone with a doctorate would be able to see how sick and annoyed the students were getting just a few hours after the pressing of the “WINTER” button – located under the broken “T” in Lane Stadium” – was delayed. To his dismay, days went by. Finally God decided enough was enough when he made the call last night around 11:15 p.m., so that we could all wake up to the frosty cars we expect at this time of year (Autumn weather almost everywhere else). “It’s a more sudden switch than I usually like,” God wrote in a statement pinned to the Chick-fil-A on campus, “and I know people will think the sudden switch will make them sick… but if I had to see one more GlObAl WaRmInG tweet, I swear to me…”


God expects that Dr. Timothy Sands will be more successful in the future with seasonal timing, as hey, this is his first time and who knows if he even knew this was part of the job. The club “Hokies for Horrible, but Normal, Weather Patterns” will have their first interest meeting tomorrow in Squires if you are interested in helping God monitor this important factor of our lives. 

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