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Virginia Tech Paves Drillfield Dirt Paths, Doesn’t Care What You Think

In response to the student body laughing in the face of provided pathways and boundaries, Virginia Tech has laughed in the face of straight lines and paved the Drillfield dirt paths. These dirt paths were created by students who just wanted to get to class without the burden of being handed a pamphlet on whatever warlord The Invisible Children is trying to stop these days.


Many students opposed the paving, and a petition was written in an attempt to halt the process, because petitions always work. “Imagine looking off the Pylons into the Drillfield and seeing the once wide open green Drillfield covered with black strips of asphalt that divides the open space,” the petition states, perfectly describing what the Drillfield has always looked like. The petition made further claims that paving the dirt paths would “restrict recreational use of the field” and “uglify” the campus. As far as the recreational constrictions, the Ultimate Frisbee Association is furious. “If the playing field is a fraction smaller, then asthmatic losers like Greg won’t be such easy targets,” they state in the opening paragraph of their appeal to have the pavement removed entitled, “Bro, What is Your Problem: Greg Sucks.”  


However, the petition only received 597 of the 2,000 signatures required due to most people deciding “I guess it doesn’t bother me that much” after learning they would have to register with in order to add their signature to the list.


Some students, on the other hand, see the paving as an improvement to the Drillfield. Noting that while the Drillfield’s dead grass aesthetic will be missed, there’s just something pleasant about looking out at a little less dead grass. The paving’s success has some thinking even bigger. “Why stop here? What else can we pave? Why not pave everything,” said the head contractor responsible for the Drillfield paving, dollar signs in his eyes. The contractor went on to say, “Just think—Virginia Tech, the first entirely asphalt campus in America. Cars already drive on the sidewalks as they please, why not meet them halfway?”


Word has it that Tech is already considering even more campus improvements. Rumors of a new weather control system are circulating after one university official stated, “In the year 2014 I see no reason why we should have to tolerate winter’s bullshit any longer. I will not rest until there is a massive air-conditioned & heated dome placed over campus but I’ll settle for a parking spot closer to my office.” He was then seen walking an awkward and very noticeable loop around The Invisible Children’s new #KONY2016 campaign. 

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