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10 Things Lawnies Will Probably Hand Out Instead of Candy This Year

One of the most unique traditions at UVa is trick-or-treating on the Lawn; the annual Halloween event where students and townies head to Grounds to show off their costumes, have fun, and get some candy from Lawn residents. Lawnies have a prestigious reputation here, one that you could argue they sort of fabricated themselves but, hey, whatever makes em happy, right? Here are some things you might get from a Lawnie other than candy this year:  

10.) Scholarships:
Nothing like getting some extra money that won’t help with student debt from a Lawn resident! Winner of the costume contest gets the coveted Spooky Spooky Lawnie scholarship.

9.) Unwarranted advice:
You’re bound to encounter one Lawnie who can’t pass up the opportunity to give you some advice you never asked for. “You should really head to the Writing Center, they can help you build a resumé!” Yeah, sure, we’ll get to it as soon as you stop being so condescending to us.

8.) Their own gd résumé:
Any opportunity is a good opportunity in the eyes of a Lawn resident. Who knows, the father of the little girl in the fairy costume might know a guy who’s cousins with the CEO of the next big tech company! After all, they didn’t get their un-air conditioned apartment by waiting for opportunities to come to them.

7.) Informative pamphlets:
Know what would really make your Halloween a memorable one? Some literature on issues such as gentrification, racial inequality, and environmental conservation! The real treat is that you actually find yourself reading them.

6.) Thomas Jefferson memorabilia:
Lawnies probably got all this stuff just laying around. Instead of a Snickers, have a pocket Declaration of Independence. Love M&Ms? Sorry, you get a biography about Jefferson that you’re never going to read.

5.) Toothbrushes and floss:
Because if anyone is gonna be that asshole, it’ll be a Lawnie. Candy and sweets rot your teeth, so take care of your pearly whites. Expect some mouthwash from the more extravagant rooms.

4.) Their dad’s credit card number:
Daddy’s got money. They’ve been using it all semester long, so there’s no harm in giving it out, right? After all, dad’s annual donation is what paid for all that construction!

3.) Smarties:
Smarties are not candy. They’re little pieces of bullshit that high school teachers give out when you answered a question. More of an insult than anything else, honestly.

2.) Vineyard Vines gift cards: 
The go-to choice for the average UVa student. Don’t be surprised if a Lawnie drops a gift card to the pastel palace. It’s one step in the process of indoctrination.

1.) A Lawn application:
Join us, join us, join us. Apply to live on the Lawn today! Be recognized for your “outstanding” service and get excited about no heating over the winter!

Be cool, be cool:

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