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10 Things That Are Legal Now That America Is Over


We don’t know what to say. “What the fuck?” seems appropriate, as does “Hey Mom, where’s my passport?” But since the Canadian immigration website crashed last night (no shit, it really did), maybe we should just be asking ourselves what’s going to change now that America is over? Though it seems there is no silver lining, we’re going to try to look really really hard to find something good that’ll come of this. Turns out we could only come up with ten, but know that there would be a hell of a lot more to look forward to if Hillary had been elected.


10.) You Can Smoke Weed Wherever You Want:

A large number of states voted on this yesterday and marijuana was made legal in many. Now that America has officially been flushed down the shitter, smoke wherever the hell you want. Trump called for more “law and order” but we think the cops are going to have a lot more on their hands with the outcome of this election, so light up in class if you feel so compelled. There are bigger fish to fry, and by fish we mean this floundering idiot who just stole an election.


9.) Order Room Service, Mexico’s Picking Up the Tab:

Yeah, you heard right. Now that we have that orange guy in office, the bad hombres and nasty mujeres south of our border are taking us out on their dime. Forget if they don’t want to, we make them do what we want. That wall might get in the way, but with Venmo and a little willpower white people will get whatever they want just like they proved they could last night.


8.) Throw Out Wild Accusations and See What Sticks:

Libel shmibel, now you can say whatever you want about anyone and no one can prove you wrong. Here’s a crazy hypothetical situation we’re making up right on the spot, indulge us: if you wanted to, say, tell everyone that a really important public figure -let’s say he’s black- was born in, like, Africa or something ridiculous, you can say it! And the best part? Everyone will believe you, especially if you say it into a microphone! In this brave new world anything goes, and lies are currency so make that money, baby.


7.) Don’t Throw Anything at the Fuhrer Mr. President:

You can accuse other people of anything you want, but don’t you dare take the things Donald says and do something crazy, like, use them against him. It’s rude to hold people accountable for their words and actions if those people are both unnaturally tangerine, and leaders of the free world. And don’t even think about bringing up his hands. They’re plenty big.


6.) You Don’t Have to Pay Taxes:

We kind of like this one. Our fearless leader is leading by example, therefore, we no longer have to pay our taxes. Thank God, cause this one was a real burden. Just don’t ask him to fix the roads, pay the military, pay for old people to retire, or anything else you whiney bitches.


5.) Women Don’t Get Paid at All:

Unless you’re onstage at one of his pageants, you don’t deserve squat. If you are on stage at one of his pageants, you’re pretty much better off getting nothing from him. The ladies who were graced by Trump’s presence got more than they wanted. Time and time again Mr. President has said no one respects women more than he does, so he has graciously and respectfully taken the burden of paychecks off women’s shoulders. Thank goodness, they might have chipped a nail on the way to the bank!


4.) Banish Your Haters:

People who make you uncomfortable make you uncomfortable for a reason, and now you don’t have to tolerate them anymore! You can say that you’re just vetting these people, but what you can actually do is ban them from coming anywhere near you. Those liberal losers will call it “prejudice” but what the hell do they know, they almost elected a woman!


3.) Incite violence:

The worst part about a Trump presidency is that all the great changes he’s making will take some time to go into effect. At first there may be some resistance, but that’s to be expected. What’s important is to know how to handle a situation when people disagree with you. The best way to deal with this is to follow Donald’s example and incite violence. When your wild accusations don’t stick and everyone you hate won’t leave when you send them away, just start a fucking riot. Do it, start a riot. If anyone tells you you’re wrong, blame someone else.


2.) Lie, Cheat and Steal:

He’s done all of these, and he’s the greatest person ever by his standards, therefore, you can too. Federal law trumps (pun sadly intended) university law, and if it doesn’t just buy the school and fly your own giant flag. Basically, do what you want; this is the wild fucking west now.

1.) Grab everyone’s pussy:

Oh yeah, this is the one you’ve been waiting for.

See, this won’t be so bad. 

If they didn’t want us to drink all 30 beers in one night, then they wouldn’t put them all in the same box:


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