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5 Changes Teresa Sullivan Would Make If Elected President


Election season has rolled around once more and it’s got us thinking about all that’s wrong with our country, naturally.  Whether our country is led by a tangerine-colored bigot or a liar in a pantsuit, once the election is over there will be a million people we’ll say would have been way more suited for the job. If, say, our dear President Teresa Sullivan were voted into office, we can think of a few things that’d surely be a part of her platform.


5.) A Nationwide Honor Code:

Since Teresa trusts a bunch of drunk college kids– you know the prime suspects for committing misdeeds– to avoid things like breaking the law by underage drinking, stealing things, lying, and cheating, why shouldn’t she trust all of America to do the same? Our criminal justice system would be made up just like ours; cops look the other way most of the time because you’re privileged enough to be an American, and if you break one of these rules and get snitched on, a group of over-achieving Americans get to expel deport you.


4.) Bigger Slush Fund:

It’s not that we don’t doubt the government already has a slush fund that would put UVa’s Strategic Investment Fund to shame, we just think it might be a little more public were T. Sully to move on up the ranks from our president to the country’s fearless leader. But, guys, it’s not a big deal. As soon as it’s out in the open the whole country will receive a really nonchalant email asking how we’d like to spend it. Maybe a giant wall along our northern border so the curtains match the drapes, if ya know what we mean.


3.) Lighting of the South Lawn:

If you thought the Rotunda lit by a thousand Christmas lights was cool, just wait until it’s the entire White House. This really isn’t that much of a stretch since the White House and the Rotunda have pretty similar architectural styles and they’re both filled with approximately the same amount of assholes saying they’re getting work done. There would be merriment, cocoa, a light show set to catchy seasonal pop music, the Secret Service would put on a traditional Christmas pageant with Teresa as the baby Jesus, and of course, the goddamned Hullabahoos.


2.) America’s 29% Acceptance Rate:

You thought immigrating was hard before? Try getting to the Promised Land when we only let in less than 30% of the people who want to. Screw the wall, we’ll make them write essays and have a killer set of extracurriculars. Did you show the qualities of a leader in your country? What about internships, have any of those? How are you as a test taker? If you’re not sure about the answers to these questions along with a few fill-in-the-Star-Spangled-Banner-lyric-type questions, you’re unfit to be a citizen. Try Tech.


1.) Work on National Holidays:

What the fuck is that all about? If we have to go to school on Labor Day, so does the rest of the country. Forget the fact that it’s America, where there’s a designated time and place to stop and celebrate working people, like we don’t know, students and those that teach them. But it’s okay, it’s not like we really wanted off to think about all the people being honored, we just wanted to wear our pajamas all day and eat ice cream out of the carton. Veterans Day? Work. Memorial Day? Work. Fourth of July? Work. Christmas? Work. Work work work work work. In the wise words of Rihanna, “Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay.”


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