Valentine’s Day is coming up, and everyone is looking for the perfect words to say to that special someone. Well, thanks to The Black Sheep, you won’t have any problem. We took some of the most romantic sayings from none other than our fearless, long-dead leader Thomas Jefferson, and made the best valentines this side of the graveyard. Of course, he can be hard to understand at times, so we provided you with translations in modern-day terms.
“Let’s forget about that crappy thing that happened between us and reconnect”:
Have an ex-lover that you want to reunite with? Or maybe someone that has turned you down time and time again but you aren’t ready to give up on quite yet? This is the valentine for you! Add a personal note for that romantic flair. We suggest something like “sorry for making out with someone in front of you at Trinity, but her lips were nothing like yours” or maybe just “thinking of you.” We don’t know your life.
“You’re worth more to me than money”:
If you decide that you actually want to try and be sweet to someone, then send him or her this heartfelt valentine. The fact that you’re sending them this cheap-ass valentine will surely prove that the message of the card is true, which will only boost your brownie points for honesty. Just make sure TJ’s mention of a “warm thought” doesn’t get misconstrued as getting a boner whenever you think of them. Or actually, let it. Maybe they’ll play along and you’ll get lucky this V-day….
“Let’s do nothing but lay in bed… and other stuff 😉 ”:
This one’s for that “friend” who lets you “cuddle” with them, or your current significant other. Spice up this V-day by suggesting a nice “relaxing” day of enjoying each other’s company in bed. Hoo knows what will happen, or how often*…
*Distribute at your own risk
“Anyone who wants me can have me”:
This is for when you want all the Valentines. Send it to everyone for the best rate of success. Allow the recipient to interpret what this quote actually means for him or herself. This is the test to see whether your potential valentine is thinking on the same wavelength as you. If it goes to shit super quick and they give you a funky look, abort mission, and mention that it was an invitation to join the stupid club you’re a part of. Crisis averted.
“I like having sex with you, pal”:
This is for those of you that are able to balance the tricky concept of a “friend with benefits.” In order to send a special, “thank you for being unemotionally attached and still rocking my world” message, just give them this special TJ ‘n friends valentine. And with a quick patronizing wink, go back to your perfect little life. You buttmunch.
“When all else fails, love yourself (with your hand)”:
This is the “eternally single” person’s valentine. Deliver unto yourself to make you feel less lonely. There’s no shame in this game. Everyone takes “special time to himself.” Even Thomas Jefferson. Look, you still got lucky in the end!
Skip the corporate valentine crap and use one of these romantic and historical gestures instead. Happy Valentine’s Day from your favorite writing staff at The Black Sheep, and may all your American dreams come true. (In the bedroom).
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