Back in 1620, a bunch of Puritans had enough of the Church of England’s shit and decided to sail a ship across the Atlantic and settle in the New World. At some point, history textbooks rolled in and told us that the Puritans were actually best buddies with the Native Americans, then they had a big happy dinner with them. While this probably isn’t true, we’ve been visiting our racist aunts and weird uncles for Thanksgiving ever since. This year, The Black Sheep asks the question on everyone’s mind: what would UVa students have brought with them on the Mayflower?
If a UVa Career Fair is anything to go by, then our “Hooflower” passengers will be wearing their fanciest suits and carrying their sleek, expensive portfolios. The moment they arrive, they’ll seek out the top corporations and stuff their resumes and business cards in their faces. The new world will be marked by the influence of the young professionals; we hope you like reading about economics!
This is actually required for everyone on board so the captain can make sure they’re all accounted for. The sacred object of any UVa student, the iClicker will be a necessity for the voyage. If you forgot yours back home in England, looks like you won’t be getting any food or what little is left of it anyway.
5.) Barrels of booze:
Hey look, it’s going to be a perilous journey that requires a lot of hard work. There’s no harm in kicking back once in a while and gorging yourself on whiskey! You can worry about how the fuck you’re going to plant crops during winter later, right now it’s drinking time!
4.) Honor Code pamphlets:
Some rules will definitely need to be established when the Hoos land on Plymouth Rock. Thankfully, the Honor Code will bring peace and order to everyone. Honor Code pamphlets will be nailed to every door as a reminder that student law is above anything else. Violate it, and you’ll be kicked out of the colony for good because you’re an asshole.
3.) Toxic frat culture:
Name’s Chad, bro. Look bro, if you’re gonna kick it with us in Plymouth you gotta prove that you’re a bro, bro! Here, let this crab pinch your nipple, bro. Oh shit, bro, that was rad, bro! Chug this 40, bro! Super dope, bro. This colony boutta be lit! Bruh play my mixtape!
2.) Got Dumplings:
The cornerstone of any nutritious lunch, Got Dumplings will become the staple of New England cuisine. The food truck line you see outside Minor Hall every day will become the norm. Our UVa pilgrims will be able to pull through the winter by surviving on dumplings and peanut butter noodles just like they do during the semester.
1.) Inflated egos:
Being the greatest and best school in Virginia, nay, the whole country, UVa students will pull off this trip without a hitch. It’s all thanks to that inflated ego that we’re so well known for. Thought Jamestown was cool? Yeah, fuck that. Wait till they see our colony. We barely need a ship since we’ll be able to float on our egos alone!
So this year when your parents are trying to bring down your turkey day vibes with questions about your love life and career moves, entertain them with a little story of the Hoos’ first trip to America. They’ll be sure to thank you. Now, pass the potatoes.
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