There are some things…well, actually there are a lot of things we’re glad our moms aren’t around to see. Whether we’re peeling a condom we thought we lost off the bottom of our sock or sniffing and rewearing a pair of underwear, when it comes to our moms, most of the time ignorance is bliss. For example, if she were to see what you did at Trin the other night, she’d probably flip the fuck out.
7.) “It’s 42 degrees, where’s your coat?”:
Oh Mom, you’ll never understand the pile of black puffer jackets that is the first floor of Trin. If only she knew that it doesn’t matter if you tie that 2016 Christmas Canada Goose to your BFF’s Barbour, there are at least nine other downy duos just like that lying in a pile behind the corner booth by the window and all of their owners will be posting in the class pages tomorrow trying to recover them. Listen Mom, hoes never get cold.
6.) “Put that cup down! You know better than to drink something off a table!”
Moms are always telling us not to waste our money but then the second you go to finish a
vodka soda? gin and tonic? what is that? beverage that’s barely been touched, suddenly being frugal is a crime and you’re “going to get herpes.” Whatever ma, make up your mind or start kicking in some dough for my drinking habit.
5.) “Don’t put your cup down! You don’t know what’s in that!”
Moms are just full of mixed messages. First we can’t pick up a cup, then we can’t put it down?? If we’re getting anything out of all of this it’s that we should just be taking shots. If your mom saw you set down your drink so that it wouldn’t spill while you go complete right angle in front of a guy’s crotch she’d shit a brick and you know it.
4.) “That’s really all you’re going to tip the bartender?”
Yeah Mom, I’m fucking broke because you won’t let me drink leftover drinks off the table, remember? Look, here’s how we see it: if you buy enough drinks from the bar and you tip a buck each time, in the end they’re getting paid. Wait, that’s not how it works? Oh right, that’s super shitty. Listen to your mom on this one and tip the lovely man/lady serving you strong ass drinks all night long.
3.) “That balcony is going to collapse, don’t you dare go out there!”
Proven fact: if the Trin balcony were to collapse the drunken people atop said balcony would remain floating in the air like in Mary Poppins, except they’d be fueled by cheap vodka instead of tea and laughter. To an outsider, we must admit, it does seem as if the Trin balcony could collapse from being extremely overloaded with drunk humans. However, the likelihood of this happening is pretty slim and the people watching out there is too good to pass up for the off chance your life ends that night.
2.) “Don’t you think you should stay on the first floor?”
Hahaha, silly mom, the first floor is for daytime. If your mom is catching your ass at Trin and the sun isn’t out, then tell her what’s up and climb your sweet tuchus to the third floor for some bad decisions. You’ll have plenty of time to spend on the first floor tomorrow when you come back searching for your keys and instead finding someone else’s shattered Juul.
1.) “Get off of that stranger!”
No Ma, that’s why I’m here.
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