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8 Things All First Years Think Happen at Trin

Though UVa’s most notorious bar is constantly packed, it’s numbers are definitely lacking in first year patrons. After all, the bouncers at Trin are notorious for carefully examining all IDs to ensure that they are a.) actually yours and b.) not fake. Therefore, it’s extremely difficult for first years to enter this golden pot at the end of the rainbow, forcing them to guess on what happens here.

8.) Eating? Right??:
Trinity is mainly popular because of its food, so why would that change after dark? Even if the music becomes so loud you can’t hear yourself think, and people with an affinity for dancing on tables swarm the place, there must be some consumption of food, right?

7.) Irish dancing:
It is an Irish pub after all, so people are definitely kicking up an Irish jig. We’re 100% sure of this, don’t ask questions. When your fourth year friend talks about the wild things she’s seen at Trin, she’s definitely talking about a Kelly swinging her legs in around in the corner. That also explains all the injuries that occur here: Irish dancing is a dangerous sport.

6.) People are most definitely studying the Bible:
With a name like Trinity, there are some pretty heavy religious connotations to this place. When you hear somebody say they went here on a Tuesday night, they’re most likely talking about the infamous Trinity Bible group, duh doyyy. They meet on the third floor after hours, and they’re more exclusive than any of the secret societies.

5.) Dancing on tables (for money?):
Is Trinity secretly a strip club? If not, then every down on their luck student at UVa seems to have danced on a table in Trin, and it was all for naught. You may think you’re concerned, but actually  you’re jealous that they can make money here while you can’t even get in the door.

4.) Irish drinking songs:
Again, this is an Irish pub. Remember that scene in Titanic where Jack and Rose are spinning and it makes you dizzy, but also warm and fuzzy inside because awww? That song plays on a loop for the entire night. Every night. And if there isn’t at least one round of “Drunken Sailor” during the night, you’re doing it wrong.

3.) Career fairs:
Ever wonder why it seems like all the upperclassman have really great internships, even though UVa’s Career fairs are sub-par at best? It’s because all the top employers are sitting in the bars. That’s why it’s so impossible for first years to get in: the employers at JP Morgan don’t want to see your face before you’ve finished puberty.

2.) Consumption of alcohol:
Apparently, some people actually go to Trinity to drink. This is shocking considering the sheer number of frat parties on any given night. Why go to a bar when you can get a light buzz on your tenth can of warm Kirkland?

1.) Mass government memory wipes:
Think about it. How many times have you heard someone say, “I went to Trinity and that’s the last thing I remember.” A lot, right? That is because Trinity Irish Pub is secretly the site of a government testing facility. Supposedly, members of the government lure UVa upperclassman in with steins for the price of pints, and once they have them trapped they inject them with a serum that is supposed to make students 98% more likely to get a job, but really just makes them more pretentious and obsessed with Vineyard Vines. Then, they wipe the fourth years memories and send them back out into the world.

 

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