UVa is known for being a pretty intense school, and one of the easiest places to see that is in our CIOs, better know as well, cults. They’re all incredibly exclusive, steeped in some tradition that’s kind of stupid, and almost impossible to leave once you’re in. The worst part of a UVa cult is that they’re everywhere, meaning they’re super difficult to not join. But, here is how to get out before you buy the sweatshirt.
Be incredibly anti-social during the first week of classes:
The fewer people you talk to, the fewer chances you have to accidentally drinking the blood of your peers and ending up in an a capella group. If you have already attended the blood sacrifice or “block party to lure you in, then this step is vital for ensuring your safety. You’ve made the mistake of proving yourself cult-worthy, now you have eyes on you.
Delete your Facebook, they won’t be able to find you:
And if you must have one, don’t join the UVa class pages. This is where the cults love to spread their message the most, constantly posting obnoxious links to their different websites and asking you to ‘sign up!’ or ‘read this article!’ Not having a Facebook will not only prevent you from seeing the culty propaganda, but it will also make you less valuable in the eyes of the the leaders.
Start being that “anti-UVa” kid:
Ya know, the kid who looks at the UVa uniform of Birkenstocks, Greek shirts, and colorful shorts as though it’s a crime. The kid who refuses to go to any school events, including parties, and who scoffs at the words “Wahoo Wa.” The kid who pretends they aren’t also from NOVA. Our cults hate this kid because they go against everything they’ve worked towards: making UVa a space where privileged students can pretend to make a difference. You might already be blood brothers with that weird kid Kevin who lives on your floor, but if you have no spirit he’ll forget all about that.
Plan to meet weekly with other non-cult members:
You can gain interest by putting up flyers in dorms, chalking, or tabling outside Old Cabell. Discuss topics like: why you don’t want to join a UVa cult, make cute sweatshirts you can wear, and maybe even consider renting a house together to make your not-a-cult meetings easier to attend. Just make sure everyone knows that they’re not to tell anyone else what is discussed during your gatherings, otherwise the cults may get angry.
Be super exclusive about it:
Obviously, you can’t just let anyone who doesn’t want to be in a UVa cult hang out with you, uou need to have some exclusivity to your meetings. Consider coming up with some audition process for joining the anti-UVa cult group so that you can weed out the uncultured swine.
As long as you follow these simple steps, you will successfully avoid being swallowed up by one of UVa’s cults.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.